I should be sleeping.

But I've decided I need to talk. About how I'm doing. Maybe it will help to write it all down. Maybe it will help lower the level of emotion that floats beneath the surface of almost every waking moment right now. Maybe.

On the whole, I think I'm doing rather well come to think of it. I've gotten through 10 days so far since my first shot of Lupr*n. Besides the fact that the nurses at the day clinic where I got the injection had me all set up for some sort of pregnancy related IV, and I had to go through the "you're not pregnant?" questioning (and wonder why these types of things have to happen all the time...) that led to my usual answer "unfornately, no." To which there was lots of 'oh, I'm sorry' and "so what are we doing". Thank goodness I had my injection in my hand so they knew what was going on. Once again, having to verbalize what is happening, and making it through.

But each day, I've worked hard NOT to let how I feel affect my children and Hubby. And to maintain some semblance of regular life. That hasn't been overly hard except I'm just plain tired all the time. And a bit foggy. And my pain has increased some since the shot, which is to be expected in the first few weeks. At least I'm sleeping. That is very good. So besides some increased pain and some anxiety (I've honestly felt like I've been PMS'ing really bad since about 48 hours after the shot), I'm doing okay.

I had a major victory on Sunday that I must talk about. I was subbing in charge of our kid's ministry at church. I woke upto the unexpected arrival of my period and wow... brutal. I think the shot made it so much more intense and painful. I'm not gonna lie. It was awful. And my emotions were all over the place. In tears, I contemplated getting the kids dressed and sending them with Hubby, and he could take my place. I showered and determined right then and there that this WOULD NOT BEAT ME. In tears, I got dressed in my nicest suit (it was Thanksgiving Sunday after all!!!), did my hair and makeup, got my shoes on. Hubby assured me that he could take care of it but I was determined. Went to church, fulfilled my responsibility, got home, got us all lunch and when Hubby got the kids out the door for a little swimming, I broke down... finally. But I did it! I didn't let the pain and level of how icky I felt hold me back. I pushed through. And I hold on to that.

And I will push through this to health. I will. I have to. I have to much to lose. And I'll take it one day at a time and give myself space to express my emotions all the while determined that I won't let the side effects or struggle of this whole process get me down. I won't let myself sink to depression. I am determined to not gain weight. I want to get through this with my head held high and feeling like with God's help, I was able to overcome.

THIS is a big deal, this treatment, this surgery, this finally facing down this loss that has loomed for so many years. I know this step of having this surgery (and even the three months of treatment before hand) is saying "okay God, I accept the fact that you are not going to bring the kind of miracle for which I have prayed". Maybe it is more acknowledging that God is God and I am not, and I know he has my best interests at heart even though I can't see or understand right now. That is the kind of acceptance I am talking about.

But I'm still working through the anger over why in the world I have to go through all of this to begin with. I can be angry and still move forward. The anger would be wrong if I let it stifle my growth as a woman of God determined to follow Christ at all costs. But the anger is real, a real part of the grief that comes alongside this decision, and the loss that comes with this decision. I'm quite angry at the moment and that anger comes out in subtle ways.

I just keep praying that God will make it clear, will somehow enable me... give me strength enough... to lift this burden off my shoulders. Because I'm tired of carrying it around. I'm tired of feeling the catching in my breath when I remember that I will never get the privilege of experiencing what it is like to be a part of creation, to feel my child move under my heart, to hear her heartbeat, or feel the pain (yes the pain!) of working with my child to bring him into the world. I don't get why I wasn't allowed that experience, an experience that so many take for granted. It just makes me plain sad. I know I will find acceptance because I know that is the only way through this, but right now, I am trusting that the clarity I need will come... someday, some way, somehow. It will. I'm working and waiting and hoping and praying and trusting, and knowing that I will be healed, this way or another.

For now though, I'm one day at a timin' it. And that is all anyone can ask right?

If you read this, I covet your prayers, that I will be the kind of mother and wife I need to be for my family, even as I feel less than my usual self. That I will be able to look back on this time and know that God carried us all through, and that he provided the love and support that enabled me to face what I didn't want to face. That I will be healed, finally healed from the physical pain and heart anguish of barrenness. Thank you.

The "at least".

Before I go on and on about how much I struggle with not only the idea of another surgery, not only the idea of a major surgery, the prep for it and the recovery that will come with it... before I talk about that, I have to get one thing out there.

It's the "at least"s of the whole thing.

I know I will grieve ~ am grieving ~ the loss of a dream that you know, comes along with my reproductive organs. It's only natural that I feel that way, especially when I've dreamed of becoming a Mom through giving birth most of my life. I'm not one of those adoptive moms who can say "it never mattered to me" not to give birth. It mattered to me. And that dream is gone. But the "at least' of this kind of grief is that I know it's not the end of the world. I will not die from this loss. And at least once it is over, I have health to look forward to...

And an even bigger "at least" that just about wraps me round most days is that even in loss ~ any loss ~ I don't go very far without having hope that breaks in, that gets me through, that brings other dreams to overcome the dreams lost. I will never say I don't live in hope. I will live in hope until my last breath. And even then, I'll know that it was hope that got me through to that last breath, the hope that although life on earth is important, valuable because it teaches me how to live in the forever part of life, but it is not the end. This world ~ this body ~ is not my home. Both this world and my body are in my care, and living matters to me as well, but I live in a hope that it's not the end. "At least" I have that.

And I live each and every day thankful that this fight ~ this disease ~ at this point does not have the potential to take my life. It could you know, any surgery has its risks, but I don't have cancer, or MS, or some other life threatening diagnosis. Yes, this disease affects my life and the enjoyment of it, but it does not keep me from living in the long run. So there's that.

And the biggest "at least" is this... I will not go through it on my own, by myself. My family is going to be here with me through this. I know that my kiddos give me so many reasons to get up in the morning when I feel like staying in bed. My Hubby blesses me in so many ways by his support and concern. And my parents have graciously made the decision to come and stay with us for the surgery and much of my recovery time. I am certain there will be friends here close by who will be there to lend support, although at this point, I haven't told many people about what is going on.

This is one of those posts I need to have here when I lose focus. I am one blessed woman, and trusting that God is with us through it all.

In Which this diary becomes something else.

I still believe that this journal can be one that records the possibilities that come along on a journey to health, but for a time, I don't know if it will seem soo. It might seem more like an end, and it is, but I hope in the end, health will be there.

On Thursday Hubby and I went to see the gyn surgeon. My ultrasound findings indicated that there really isn't a choice other than hysterectomy with the possibility that my ovaries will be removed as well. There are no fibroids all along my uterine wall, which is most likely the cause of severe anemia and made it nearly impossible for us to choose anything other than surgery. We could have made a different choice, but the doctor was gently adamant that if we chose to let this go, it will only progress. My original disease ~ endometriosis ~ is not the only problem now that needs solved, and well, when it comes down to it, there's really not any more reasons to endure the pain and struggle of my cycles. There's really no hope for a pregnancy, and I know that, so why wait?

So a week from tomorrow I start my first shot of Lupr*n, with two more rounds to follow, in an attempt to reduce the inflammation in the pelvis, and in the process, reduce the much higher chance of complications that come with the condition of my belly. And then, after the first of the year, I'll have the surgery.

It's going to be a long haul. I'm grieving. But I hope in the end, it's all going to be good. I'm counting on healing.

A bit *lilbit* of an update...

I have to update a bit on my health... I had an MRI mid-July that wasn't difinitive so the doc decided to try a cortisone shot. It didn't work. We're back to square one. There is evidence of a stress fracture at the site of my old break from three years ago. But I can't get back into see the doc for another month so again, I'm waiting. And managing my activity so I can manage the pain. I can still walk, and do what I need to do. Things could be worse. I just hope there's a solution somewhere down the road. Praying that it is so.

As for the possibility of hysterectomy, I finally, after almost five months of waiting, had my ultrasound yesterday. I see the gyn surgeon on Thursday. I admit I'm grieving, although no one would be able to tell, except Hubby and well, maybe the ultrasound tech. She was quite sympathetic and I appreciate it when a health care person stops a minute and says "I'm sorry". This is not how I thought our journey trying for a pregnancy and hoping to experience childbirth would end. I have always hoped and believed in a miracle, that God would make it happen for me like he did for Sarah and Rachel and Elizabeth...and so many others since. But once again, I am on a journey of trusting a God who loves me, who desires my good, even when things don't turn out how I thought they would. But barring anything else, I am heading towards a hysterectomy possibly as early as early January. The wheels of health care turn at their own pace so I'm not holding my breath as to the timing. But I am trusting that God has a plan to heal my body. And trusting His Heart for my family. I know I am blessed in spite of barrenness. I do not live without hope because God has given me so much. He has proven Himself to be true even in the hard times, even when I didn't want to see Him. He is God. And I am trusting Him and basking in the knowledge that He is walking with me through this. He has not abandoned me because I didn't get this dream come true, this experience. He is loving me through it, and I trust grieving my loss right alongside me.So yeah... life is full and good and one day at at time. hope to be back again soon.

And my weight... honestly? I'm holding steady and with everything going on, that is a good thing. I'm concerned that I get complete control on my eating these days as the meds that I might take for the months prior to the hysterectomy may cause weight gain. And since my exercise options are limited due to the foot/hip/back pain, I am working to set the tone now, so that I don't gain in the next three months. I am accepting very slowly that managing my weight is a daily battle. I don't think I'll ever not think about it. I am also accepting that at 170 or so, I'm not FAT. I need to get in shape. But I am not FAT.

So that's it.

How does that happen?

It really does seem like I updated here just a few days ago. My last post was all angsty and trying to be hopeful kind of stuff. My cycle is always such a low point and I'm having a harder and harder time bouncing back. I did experience two really good days right after which I should have written about when they were happening in order to record here that I do have good days! But you know when a good day is happening, who wants to take time to write about it?

But I did have some good days in a row where I was able to be all here and enjoy every minute with my kids... going for walks, to the park or river, to the waterpark or just hanging around the backyard. We've been spending alot of time outside and that always feels good. Swimming lessons last week, not to mention TWO holidays took up a lot of time and have been so fun. I really do have a great life in spite of the tough things and I keep working to focus on that!

Right now, I'm just past mid-cycle, so the pain I have from ovulation is on the way out. And I'm one week into a new treatment plan that is a combined effort of my family doctor, a new chiropractor and my Weight Watchers eating plan. I can say this... I haven't really seen that much improvement over all in my pain both related to my foot or the endo, but it does feel good to be trying something instead of gritting my teeth and trying to get by. And I've also been more diligent to focus on my prayer life, to continually give it all back to God, to allow him to carry me from strength to strength. I am trusting him to pick me up when the day is hard and for God to support my choice (after all I have free will!) to be joyful even in the hard stuff. And he does. He really does, when I let him.

A week ago, I had two doctor appointments. I went to see DocH (my family doc) in order to talk a little bit more through what his happening with the increasing pain up my right leg, now affecting more and more my already painful (thanks to endo!) lower back. My greatest concern was whether or not the orthopod should be exploring potential secondary damage to my hip, which is causing me lots of pain right now. She doesn't think that an MRI or anything would show anything more, so we'll focus that test on the primary location my left foot. (BY THE WAY, the MRI is THIS MONTH, in fact TWO WEEKS from tomorrow!!! Yay!!!!) But upon exam, she was concerned about inflammation of the cartilage in my pelvis and prescribed a cream to use as an anti-inflammatory when the pain gets too bad. That has helped, that an icing my foot, back and hip a couple times a day.

DocH also wanted to discuss again the pending decision about a hysterectomy. She had received Dr. D's letter after my consult with him (he's the gynie) and she said she was shocked to hear his assessment, that from his exam my pelvis was one of the worst he'd "seen". She said he spoke about the risks of the surgery and the need to have the pre-op care (Lupron for three months) as being vital to keeping the risks as minimal as possible. She said he's not worried, just conservative. Once again, it shakes me to hear stuff like this. I am intentionally NOT worrying (because it doesn't do me that much good considering stress increases my pain) about this right now since the ultrasound is still over two months away, but I guess if nothing else, it confirms why I am exhausted most days and that I need to stop feeling guilty for not being able to do as much, for the need to rest, or even for the struggle to keep my spirits up. I have a reason for feeling rough. And I just have to hang on and pray that we'll find a way to health for me. Pray. That's all I know to do right now.

I also started last Monday seeing a chiropractor at both my family doc and massage therapist's prompting. I haven't always felt that I've received helpful care from chiros, but this guy is incredibly thorough and willing to tell me not only what he is about to do but why. And he is concerned that I not only come in for treatments but also keep exercising and eating well. I have seen him three times so far and he is convinced that we'll make progress but says we'll have to work through issues slowly. My body is just pretty much out of whack thanks to my altered gait of almost three years. And I will admit it here... I am more pain right now than I was when we started. Dr.J said to expect this. So I'm trying to trust him.

And nutritionally speaking, I've been experimenting and I realize that there are some things that I LOVE that are affecting how I feel quite alot. And it is stuff I can cut out if I want to... like chocolate, ice cream, fried foods, sweets and chips. Ugh. all stuff that is comfort to me. It seems I come full circle in that I'd love to get rid of these things because I don't need to be comforted by food anymore, but then they start affecting me adversely and I have to get rid of them? I don't want to HAVE TO. So many things I HAVE to do... I want to want to. But the fact it, I have to. Slowly but surely, they're going...going...gone. They have to if I'm going to feel good.

And vitamins... back on schedule there and my body has adjusted pretty well to the iron I should have been taking all along. So that is good.

I'm trying to get healthy. All I can do is try and work hard to keep embracing each moment, choosing joy and trusting God will get me through the times when my strength is gone.

There's an update... oh by they way, I don't want to talk about weigh tloss right now. I need to lose about ten pounds. I want to. But I can't focus just on the pounds right now. There's too much else going on health wise. I just want to be healthy.

Day by Day

This morning I cried my way through the shower. Days two and three of my cycle are always hard but it's more complicated when my leg is acting up the way it is as well. I can get to sleep, but staying that way, with achiness and tingling in my foot and hip, and then frequent interruptions to the bathroom (which are a part of my cycle), well, sleep is spare.

I'm really tired. I cried in the shower this morning in hopes that I can get it out and renew my perspective so this is a good day in spite of it all. I am truly looking forward to the possibilities of this day and just praying "Lord make me a blessing". There's a big part of me that wants to scream "does anyone care?" I know they do, but they have their own lives and me complaining about my pain won't do any good because there is nothing they can do to make it better. No one sees the pain. I hide it well, except maybe from Hubby, who after my meltdown last week, I am certain is done hearing about it as well. I'm working on not complaining so much, on taking it day by day and trusting that healing will come one way or the other.

I have two appointments on Monday... one with Dr. H, my family doc. I am asking her to advocate on my behalf to the orthopod who so indelicately told me to "suck it up" the last time I saw him. Hopefully she'll be able to speak to him frankly about my pain and I hope that they are able to add an MRI of the hip to the one scheduled for my foot in mid-July. Yes, the MRI is less than a month away now! Who knew someone could be so excited for a medical test! It's been a long, long journey and a long, long wait for answers. I truly hope they find something to fix, or some way to heal my leg. That is my prayer right now.

My second appointment is with a chiropractor. I went to a massage therapist for therapeutic massage (and wow, did it hurt!) over three months regularly especially for my leg, and she was sorry to say she really didn't know what else to do. There was no improvement. So she suggested chiropractic care. I've had a bad experience before so I made Hubby go (he needed it too!) yesterday to try the guy out and Dr.J seemed to do a good job. So we'll see if he can help me.

Can you tell I'm getting desperate???

I also gained some weight since the last time on the scale and I'm not happy. That can't happen anymore, but I struggle not being able to exercise like I want. We went walking yesterday and it was less than half a mile and I was in some pretty steady pain. So I don't know. I need to eat better but I'm at a loss to find it in me with the stress of my health to be more disciplined about it. How much can a girl take? I guess this much.

I know no one is reading here anymore but this has to be for me. I truly have nowhere else to turn to talk about my health struggles. But I have to find a way to talk about it, and to put things in perspective. I really am in a place of trust right now. Of doctors, yes, but also of God. He has the power to heal and I am trusting that He will do WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, whatever He deems that is.

And I am trusting Him to take me from Day to Day, from Strength to Strength, in the middle of this trial.

And here's a new way to look at things... I'm having lemonade.

As of today I'm on day one of my cycle with all the usual (not so much) fun. And it just hit me. If I have to do Lupron and then have a hysterectomy, this could potentially, most likely be the first of four cycles left... ever. That is the positive side of it all. As Hubby just said when I mentioned it to him... "now that is making lemonade out of lemons". Sure is!