I should be sleeping.

But I've decided I need to talk. About how I'm doing. Maybe it will help to write it all down. Maybe it will help lower the level of emotion that floats beneath the surface of almost every waking moment right now. Maybe.

On the whole, I think I'm doing rather well come to think of it. I've gotten through 10 days so far since my first shot of Lupr*n. Besides the fact that the nurses at the day clinic where I got the injection had me all set up for some sort of pregnancy related IV, and I had to go through the "you're not pregnant?" questioning (and wonder why these types of things have to happen all the time...) that led to my usual answer "unfornately, no." To which there was lots of 'oh, I'm sorry' and "so what are we doing". Thank goodness I had my injection in my hand so they knew what was going on. Once again, having to verbalize what is happening, and making it through.

But each day, I've worked hard NOT to let how I feel affect my children and Hubby. And to maintain some semblance of regular life. That hasn't been overly hard except I'm just plain tired all the time. And a bit foggy. And my pain has increased some since the shot, which is to be expected in the first few weeks. At least I'm sleeping. That is very good. So besides some increased pain and some anxiety (I've honestly felt like I've been PMS'ing really bad since about 48 hours after the shot), I'm doing okay.

I had a major victory on Sunday that I must talk about. I was subbing in charge of our kid's ministry at church. I woke upto the unexpected arrival of my period and wow... brutal. I think the shot made it so much more intense and painful. I'm not gonna lie. It was awful. And my emotions were all over the place. In tears, I contemplated getting the kids dressed and sending them with Hubby, and he could take my place. I showered and determined right then and there that this WOULD NOT BEAT ME. In tears, I got dressed in my nicest suit (it was Thanksgiving Sunday after all!!!), did my hair and makeup, got my shoes on. Hubby assured me that he could take care of it but I was determined. Went to church, fulfilled my responsibility, got home, got us all lunch and when Hubby got the kids out the door for a little swimming, I broke down... finally. But I did it! I didn't let the pain and level of how icky I felt hold me back. I pushed through. And I hold on to that.

And I will push through this to health. I will. I have to. I have to much to lose. And I'll take it one day at a time and give myself space to express my emotions all the while determined that I won't let the side effects or struggle of this whole process get me down. I won't let myself sink to depression. I am determined to not gain weight. I want to get through this with my head held high and feeling like with God's help, I was able to overcome.

THIS is a big deal, this treatment, this surgery, this finally facing down this loss that has loomed for so many years. I know this step of having this surgery (and even the three months of treatment before hand) is saying "okay God, I accept the fact that you are not going to bring the kind of miracle for which I have prayed". Maybe it is more acknowledging that God is God and I am not, and I know he has my best interests at heart even though I can't see or understand right now. That is the kind of acceptance I am talking about.

But I'm still working through the anger over why in the world I have to go through all of this to begin with. I can be angry and still move forward. The anger would be wrong if I let it stifle my growth as a woman of God determined to follow Christ at all costs. But the anger is real, a real part of the grief that comes alongside this decision, and the loss that comes with this decision. I'm quite angry at the moment and that anger comes out in subtle ways.

I just keep praying that God will make it clear, will somehow enable me... give me strength enough... to lift this burden off my shoulders. Because I'm tired of carrying it around. I'm tired of feeling the catching in my breath when I remember that I will never get the privilege of experiencing what it is like to be a part of creation, to feel my child move under my heart, to hear her heartbeat, or feel the pain (yes the pain!) of working with my child to bring him into the world. I don't get why I wasn't allowed that experience, an experience that so many take for granted. It just makes me plain sad. I know I will find acceptance because I know that is the only way through this, but right now, I am trusting that the clarity I need will come... someday, some way, somehow. It will. I'm working and waiting and hoping and praying and trusting, and knowing that I will be healed, this way or another.

For now though, I'm one day at a timin' it. And that is all anyone can ask right?

If you read this, I covet your prayers, that I will be the kind of mother and wife I need to be for my family, even as I feel less than my usual self. That I will be able to look back on this time and know that God carried us all through, and that he provided the love and support that enabled me to face what I didn't want to face. That I will be healed, finally healed from the physical pain and heart anguish of barrenness. Thank you.

The "at least".

Before I go on and on about how much I struggle with not only the idea of another surgery, not only the idea of a major surgery, the prep for it and the recovery that will come with it... before I talk about that, I have to get one thing out there.

It's the "at least"s of the whole thing.

I know I will grieve ~ am grieving ~ the loss of a dream that you know, comes along with my reproductive organs. It's only natural that I feel that way, especially when I've dreamed of becoming a Mom through giving birth most of my life. I'm not one of those adoptive moms who can say "it never mattered to me" not to give birth. It mattered to me. And that dream is gone. But the "at least' of this kind of grief is that I know it's not the end of the world. I will not die from this loss. And at least once it is over, I have health to look forward to...

And an even bigger "at least" that just about wraps me round most days is that even in loss ~ any loss ~ I don't go very far without having hope that breaks in, that gets me through, that brings other dreams to overcome the dreams lost. I will never say I don't live in hope. I will live in hope until my last breath. And even then, I'll know that it was hope that got me through to that last breath, the hope that although life on earth is important, valuable because it teaches me how to live in the forever part of life, but it is not the end. This world ~ this body ~ is not my home. Both this world and my body are in my care, and living matters to me as well, but I live in a hope that it's not the end. "At least" I have that.

And I live each and every day thankful that this fight ~ this disease ~ at this point does not have the potential to take my life. It could you know, any surgery has its risks, but I don't have cancer, or MS, or some other life threatening diagnosis. Yes, this disease affects my life and the enjoyment of it, but it does not keep me from living in the long run. So there's that.

And the biggest "at least" is this... I will not go through it on my own, by myself. My family is going to be here with me through this. I know that my kiddos give me so many reasons to get up in the morning when I feel like staying in bed. My Hubby blesses me in so many ways by his support and concern. And my parents have graciously made the decision to come and stay with us for the surgery and much of my recovery time. I am certain there will be friends here close by who will be there to lend support, although at this point, I haven't told many people about what is going on.

This is one of those posts I need to have here when I lose focus. I am one blessed woman, and trusting that God is with us through it all.

In Which this diary becomes something else.

I still believe that this journal can be one that records the possibilities that come along on a journey to health, but for a time, I don't know if it will seem soo. It might seem more like an end, and it is, but I hope in the end, health will be there.

On Thursday Hubby and I went to see the gyn surgeon. My ultrasound findings indicated that there really isn't a choice other than hysterectomy with the possibility that my ovaries will be removed as well. There are no fibroids all along my uterine wall, which is most likely the cause of severe anemia and made it nearly impossible for us to choose anything other than surgery. We could have made a different choice, but the doctor was gently adamant that if we chose to let this go, it will only progress. My original disease ~ endometriosis ~ is not the only problem now that needs solved, and well, when it comes down to it, there's really not any more reasons to endure the pain and struggle of my cycles. There's really no hope for a pregnancy, and I know that, so why wait?

So a week from tomorrow I start my first shot of Lupr*n, with two more rounds to follow, in an attempt to reduce the inflammation in the pelvis, and in the process, reduce the much higher chance of complications that come with the condition of my belly. And then, after the first of the year, I'll have the surgery.

It's going to be a long haul. I'm grieving. But I hope in the end, it's all going to be good. I'm counting on healing.

A bit *lilbit* of an update...

I have to update a bit on my health... I had an MRI mid-July that wasn't difinitive so the doc decided to try a cortisone shot. It didn't work. We're back to square one. There is evidence of a stress fracture at the site of my old break from three years ago. But I can't get back into see the doc for another month so again, I'm waiting. And managing my activity so I can manage the pain. I can still walk, and do what I need to do. Things could be worse. I just hope there's a solution somewhere down the road. Praying that it is so.

As for the possibility of hysterectomy, I finally, after almost five months of waiting, had my ultrasound yesterday. I see the gyn surgeon on Thursday. I admit I'm grieving, although no one would be able to tell, except Hubby and well, maybe the ultrasound tech. She was quite sympathetic and I appreciate it when a health care person stops a minute and says "I'm sorry". This is not how I thought our journey trying for a pregnancy and hoping to experience childbirth would end. I have always hoped and believed in a miracle, that God would make it happen for me like he did for Sarah and Rachel and Elizabeth...and so many others since. But once again, I am on a journey of trusting a God who loves me, who desires my good, even when things don't turn out how I thought they would. But barring anything else, I am heading towards a hysterectomy possibly as early as early January. The wheels of health care turn at their own pace so I'm not holding my breath as to the timing. But I am trusting that God has a plan to heal my body. And trusting His Heart for my family. I know I am blessed in spite of barrenness. I do not live without hope because God has given me so much. He has proven Himself to be true even in the hard times, even when I didn't want to see Him. He is God. And I am trusting Him and basking in the knowledge that He is walking with me through this. He has not abandoned me because I didn't get this dream come true, this experience. He is loving me through it, and I trust grieving my loss right alongside me.So yeah... life is full and good and one day at at time. hope to be back again soon.

And my weight... honestly? I'm holding steady and with everything going on, that is a good thing. I'm concerned that I get complete control on my eating these days as the meds that I might take for the months prior to the hysterectomy may cause weight gain. And since my exercise options are limited due to the foot/hip/back pain, I am working to set the tone now, so that I don't gain in the next three months. I am accepting very slowly that managing my weight is a daily battle. I don't think I'll ever not think about it. I am also accepting that at 170 or so, I'm not FAT. I need to get in shape. But I am not FAT.

So that's it.

How does that happen?

It really does seem like I updated here just a few days ago. My last post was all angsty and trying to be hopeful kind of stuff. My cycle is always such a low point and I'm having a harder and harder time bouncing back. I did experience two really good days right after which I should have written about when they were happening in order to record here that I do have good days! But you know when a good day is happening, who wants to take time to write about it?

But I did have some good days in a row where I was able to be all here and enjoy every minute with my kids... going for walks, to the park or river, to the waterpark or just hanging around the backyard. We've been spending alot of time outside and that always feels good. Swimming lessons last week, not to mention TWO holidays took up a lot of time and have been so fun. I really do have a great life in spite of the tough things and I keep working to focus on that!

Right now, I'm just past mid-cycle, so the pain I have from ovulation is on the way out. And I'm one week into a new treatment plan that is a combined effort of my family doctor, a new chiropractor and my Weight Watchers eating plan. I can say this... I haven't really seen that much improvement over all in my pain both related to my foot or the endo, but it does feel good to be trying something instead of gritting my teeth and trying to get by. And I've also been more diligent to focus on my prayer life, to continually give it all back to God, to allow him to carry me from strength to strength. I am trusting him to pick me up when the day is hard and for God to support my choice (after all I have free will!) to be joyful even in the hard stuff. And he does. He really does, when I let him.

A week ago, I had two doctor appointments. I went to see DocH (my family doc) in order to talk a little bit more through what his happening with the increasing pain up my right leg, now affecting more and more my already painful (thanks to endo!) lower back. My greatest concern was whether or not the orthopod should be exploring potential secondary damage to my hip, which is causing me lots of pain right now. She doesn't think that an MRI or anything would show anything more, so we'll focus that test on the primary location my left foot. (BY THE WAY, the MRI is THIS MONTH, in fact TWO WEEKS from tomorrow!!! Yay!!!!) But upon exam, she was concerned about inflammation of the cartilage in my pelvis and prescribed a cream to use as an anti-inflammatory when the pain gets too bad. That has helped, that an icing my foot, back and hip a couple times a day.

DocH also wanted to discuss again the pending decision about a hysterectomy. She had received Dr. D's letter after my consult with him (he's the gynie) and she said she was shocked to hear his assessment, that from his exam my pelvis was one of the worst he'd "seen". She said he spoke about the risks of the surgery and the need to have the pre-op care (Lupron for three months) as being vital to keeping the risks as minimal as possible. She said he's not worried, just conservative. Once again, it shakes me to hear stuff like this. I am intentionally NOT worrying (because it doesn't do me that much good considering stress increases my pain) about this right now since the ultrasound is still over two months away, but I guess if nothing else, it confirms why I am exhausted most days and that I need to stop feeling guilty for not being able to do as much, for the need to rest, or even for the struggle to keep my spirits up. I have a reason for feeling rough. And I just have to hang on and pray that we'll find a way to health for me. Pray. That's all I know to do right now.

I also started last Monday seeing a chiropractor at both my family doc and massage therapist's prompting. I haven't always felt that I've received helpful care from chiros, but this guy is incredibly thorough and willing to tell me not only what he is about to do but why. And he is concerned that I not only come in for treatments but also keep exercising and eating well. I have seen him three times so far and he is convinced that we'll make progress but says we'll have to work through issues slowly. My body is just pretty much out of whack thanks to my altered gait of almost three years. And I will admit it here... I am more pain right now than I was when we started. Dr.J said to expect this. So I'm trying to trust him.

And nutritionally speaking, I've been experimenting and I realize that there are some things that I LOVE that are affecting how I feel quite alot. And it is stuff I can cut out if I want to... like chocolate, ice cream, fried foods, sweets and chips. Ugh. all stuff that is comfort to me. It seems I come full circle in that I'd love to get rid of these things because I don't need to be comforted by food anymore, but then they start affecting me adversely and I have to get rid of them? I don't want to HAVE TO. So many things I HAVE to do... I want to want to. But the fact it, I have to. Slowly but surely, they're going...going...gone. They have to if I'm going to feel good.

And vitamins... back on schedule there and my body has adjusted pretty well to the iron I should have been taking all along. So that is good.

I'm trying to get healthy. All I can do is try and work hard to keep embracing each moment, choosing joy and trusting God will get me through the times when my strength is gone.

There's an update... oh by they way, I don't want to talk about weigh tloss right now. I need to lose about ten pounds. I want to. But I can't focus just on the pounds right now. There's too much else going on health wise. I just want to be healthy.

Day by Day

This morning I cried my way through the shower. Days two and three of my cycle are always hard but it's more complicated when my leg is acting up the way it is as well. I can get to sleep, but staying that way, with achiness and tingling in my foot and hip, and then frequent interruptions to the bathroom (which are a part of my cycle), well, sleep is spare.

I'm really tired. I cried in the shower this morning in hopes that I can get it out and renew my perspective so this is a good day in spite of it all. I am truly looking forward to the possibilities of this day and just praying "Lord make me a blessing". There's a big part of me that wants to scream "does anyone care?" I know they do, but they have their own lives and me complaining about my pain won't do any good because there is nothing they can do to make it better. No one sees the pain. I hide it well, except maybe from Hubby, who after my meltdown last week, I am certain is done hearing about it as well. I'm working on not complaining so much, on taking it day by day and trusting that healing will come one way or the other.

I have two appointments on Monday... one with Dr. H, my family doc. I am asking her to advocate on my behalf to the orthopod who so indelicately told me to "suck it up" the last time I saw him. Hopefully she'll be able to speak to him frankly about my pain and I hope that they are able to add an MRI of the hip to the one scheduled for my foot in mid-July. Yes, the MRI is less than a month away now! Who knew someone could be so excited for a medical test! It's been a long, long journey and a long, long wait for answers. I truly hope they find something to fix, or some way to heal my leg. That is my prayer right now.

My second appointment is with a chiropractor. I went to a massage therapist for therapeutic massage (and wow, did it hurt!) over three months regularly especially for my leg, and she was sorry to say she really didn't know what else to do. There was no improvement. So she suggested chiropractic care. I've had a bad experience before so I made Hubby go (he needed it too!) yesterday to try the guy out and Dr.J seemed to do a good job. So we'll see if he can help me.

Can you tell I'm getting desperate???

I also gained some weight since the last time on the scale and I'm not happy. That can't happen anymore, but I struggle not being able to exercise like I want. We went walking yesterday and it was less than half a mile and I was in some pretty steady pain. So I don't know. I need to eat better but I'm at a loss to find it in me with the stress of my health to be more disciplined about it. How much can a girl take? I guess this much.

I know no one is reading here anymore but this has to be for me. I truly have nowhere else to turn to talk about my health struggles. But I have to find a way to talk about it, and to put things in perspective. I really am in a place of trust right now. Of doctors, yes, but also of God. He has the power to heal and I am trusting that He will do WHAT IS BEST FOR ME, whatever He deems that is.

And I am trusting Him to take me from Day to Day, from Strength to Strength, in the middle of this trial.

And here's a new way to look at things... I'm having lemonade.

As of today I'm on day one of my cycle with all the usual (not so much) fun. And it just hit me. If I have to do Lupron and then have a hysterectomy, this could potentially, most likely be the first of four cycles left... ever. That is the positive side of it all. As Hubby just said when I mentioned it to him... "now that is making lemonade out of lemons". Sure is!

Forward. Focus. And How I Pray for Healing.

I am learning that living long focusing on the hard things makes the hard things even harder. And I admit that I've been wallowing in it all. I have pain. It is a part of daily life. But yet, I am still alive and have so much ahead of me, so much I want to do, enjoy, be. And I want the energy to do it all, do it all with joy, peace...embracing it all. I don't mean it all to sound so dramatic, but... I'm facing two potential surgeries. That might help me towards health. And if there isn't surgery then I'm facing more work to find a way through this pain that affects my ability to do all that I WANT to do.

You would not notice if you saw me, that I was in pain. I go about my day. Take care of my kids, my husband, my family. I participate in play groups, and serve in our church's kids' ministries. I mentor a student pastor and lead a Bible study with two young moms. And I hope...hope...hope I do it without many people knowing what's going on all that much. And more than anything, I would love to know what it would be like not to have pain.

So what's a girl to do? What is the way forward? What is it? My goal is health. Or as healthy as possible.

First and foremost, I am praying for healing, that God in all his miracles will work one on me in this area. And dare I say that I know he will do it. The hard part is that I have to accept how ~ by what means ~ God will choose to do this. And I have to accept His timing. Uck. I'm having a hard time with that. I've heard in the last several weeks several people speak to God's physical healing in their life and I've been angry. I've been angry that even after my desperate prayers these last 10 years, prayers to be healed, that God has chosen not to heal me, at least as far as I can tell. Granted, things could be worse so maybe He is healing me in some way that I don't recognize. But I can't help but wonder what God's plan is through all of this.

So I pray. And if I'm honest I have to acknowledge that what I expect in healing may never come, not the way I see it. But all I can do is hope...right?

And do my best to get healthy. I have to take some drastic steps on my end that I'm not too happy about. Mostly with my diet. This is more than about losing weight. It is about feeling better. How can I cut out some of the foods I love? Mainly bread, and dairy, sweets. I've already cut out fried foods and chocolate (mostly... I haven't yet cut it all back). I'm resistant because I wonder how much I have to give up. In my best moments, I think, whatever it takes. And then I get to feeling sorry and wish... oh, it's all so mixed up. You'd think a 41 year old wouldn't have to be dealing with all of this all the time.

Really, I just want to get on with living. I want to be healthy. I'm focusing on that.

And a crazy kind of amazing thing happened yesterday morning. Thursday night I had quite a meltdown. I was hurting in both body and spirit. I admit I'm scared, scared that I'll have to live with this pain for always and it will weigh on me, for always. I'm scared because I don't know what the future holds. I'm scared because I don't know what is next. But this I know...

God speaks. And I can hear God speaking, if I choose to listen instead of being lost in my own fear. And yesterday morning, out of the blue, in a search for Scripture for something else, this verse fell open...

Psalm 73:26 ~ My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God
remains the strength of my heart. He is mine forever.

This I know for certain, regardless of whether or not God heals my pain, He will be my strength. And I'm trying to focus on that right now. And trust He will heal me when and how He choosing.

That is the only way forward. That is the only thing I need to focus on. That is how I will pray from now on.

It's time I talk about that gynie visit.

Finally. I'm taking a moment to put it here, the big decision in front me for the treatment of the endometriosis which continues to cause me much pain and frustration. I saw a new gynecologist at the end of April. He was thoughtful, thorough and took the time to listen to my concerns, and surprisingly seemed to know alot about endometriosis, either through experience or through research for my case. I was pleased with how much of a discussion it really was, and truly thankful that Hubby was with me so he could hear all that the doctor said first hand. He was sympathetic and kind, and is taking my concerns very seriously.

I've been trying to think of a way to speak of all this with ease and in a matter of fact tone, but in the end, it is all very personal, very emotional to me. For years, the possibility of a hysterectomy has loomed and I've never been able to get the "h" word out of my mouth until recently, mostly because I hold onto a minuscule hope that God will heal me for the window needed in order to be pregnant. I know. That seems ridiculous. But it takes time to let go and frankly, I'm a hopeless hoper. But over this long haul, I'm accepting it. Processing it. Walking through what it will be like to fully and finally end the possibility of experiencing pregnancy and childbirth.

It's an emotional decision for me, mostly because I've really had the control of this decision taken away from me. I am somewhat driven by how this disease and all the effects of it are starting to interfere with the VERY full life I want and intend to lead. And therefore, since it is interfering, I MUST...I MUST give up one dream for another. I must give up the dream of one experience ~ the miracle of being a part of creation and bringing a child to life ~ for another, living long and healthy and active with the two amazing miracle children with whom I share my life. THAT is the dream I am determined to achieve and I am praying for healing (which is a whole other post) through the hands of the doctors, that in treating this awful disease I will gain so much in living.

In essence, based on Dr. D's physical exam, and the surgical reports from my laparoscopy in 2001 and 2006, and considering the symptoms I report, he feels very strongly that if I choose a hysterectomy, which is major surgery anyway, it will be more complicated with treatment for three months prior to the surgery with drug I've had before (it puts my body into a pseudo-menopause) called Lupr*n, a drug I swore I would never take again. This drug made me an absolutely miserable human being inside and out. I couldn't sleep at night with sweats, nausea and achiness, but then struggled to be alert and stay awake during the day. It made me irritable (more than usual?!?!) and I gained nearly 30 pounds in four months. Needless to say this was the first tearful (but not the last!) moment in the visit. I nearly lost it thinking of what that drug did last time but the doctor assured me that it wouldn't be for more than three months and that if I had the worse side effects they would discontinue and move forward with the surgery.

He hopes this drug will decrease the inflammation of the adhesions in my pelvis and abdomen in order to decrease the risk of complications, especially as it relates to the adhesiona he believes to me near or on my bowel and bladder (can't live without those!). Ther all sorts of other prep too that I won't go into but that the doctor thought might require me to be in the hospital a couple days ahead of time.

And he predicts a longer healing time than most women who have this surgery. You know me, I can't do anything the easy way! None of it was good to hear at all, and considering doctors have been trying to "push" a hysterectomy onto me for years telling me it would be the easy fix, I was shocked and scared. And it also made me realize that I'm probably more sick than even I thought I was... and that hit me really hard.

The other options were equally as unappealing... long term birth control (oh the irony of that...I can't even go into it!), or an ablation and !UD at the same time. Both these options would stop my period but not my cycle and not the pain. What's the point of doing anything if the pain won't stop?

But in the end, there really aren't any decisions to be made at this point, since he wants to do a pelvic ultrasound and thanks to the long waiting lists here I can't get one til mid-SEPTEMBER. It's a five month wait for a pelvic ultrasound. It really is unbelievable... But honestly, I'm not surprised. It's sad what you'll accept as okay when you don't have a choice in the matter. Public health care will do that to you. But I was prepared for that possibility so I'm only mildly annoyed (in my best moments) at the wait.

So IF we decide to do the surgery ~ and it may be necessary, no other options will work, depending on what the doctor expects to find on the ultrasound... he thinks there is a strong possibility I have fibroids since I have chronic anemia and a enlarged uterus so he may say we have to do it based on the ultrasound regardless of the risks ~ it will be January at the earliest before it would be scheduled. That means another whole YEAR before the whole process is over and life gets back to some semblance of normal, unless I'm able to choose one of the less invasive options, which are only temporary fixes no matter how we look at them.

And I've been trying in the meantime, but with not much success so far, to get as healthy as possible. I daily think about and experiment with different ways of eating in hopes that I can not only lose a little more weight, but also decrease my pain. I would love to say I'm doing well at exercising but with increased leg pain for the whole foot deal, well, it's hard to keep up. But I'm trying to feel like I'm doing something. I wish I could say I'm dealing with it all really well. I'm working at it daily, doing the best I can and it truly is amazing how, when you've had major disappointments or struggles before, it all prepares you for the next one if you let it, you learn how to deal. You learn to let yourself feel the hard stuff but still live and thrive on the good stuff.

I truly am thanking God for my very special Hubby who loves me in spite of all this stuff and is trying to help me through. And I continue to pray to God... beg Him to heal me, to take away my pain. And grieve. I wonder if the grieving over this loss will ever end. Sometimes it feels like it won't. I wish that I could have just made the decision and be done with it. Get it over with. But I don't get to so I'm doing the best I can. Trying to rest. And enjoy each day as much as possible. And pray for healing. That's all I know to do.

That's it for now. I just had to write this down. I hope I can get back now to focusing on the positive side of everything, back to trying to live healthy without this weighing on me all the time. That is what I hope.

And the good news is...

My mammogram is clear. Yay! Appointment in one year.

The margins of the pre-cancerous mole I had removed are clear. Yay! Skin check in six months.

That is good news.

Still maintaining... and starting again.

I'm back. It's been another six weeks of maintenance. At least I have that... I've stayed under 170 which was ultimately my first goal. I just didn't think I'd be maintaining for this long, or at all, until I reached my hoped for goal. But circumstances change things and I refuse to feel guilty about it. I've lived under the weight of guilt over my weight and eating habits for way too long. I need to someway, somehow start believing what people say, that I look good.

So... since I last wrote here, lots has happened. I turned 41. I finished completely painting the interior of our house (among other fix ups), listed, showed (33 showings in 30 days...that is ALOT of cleaning!) and sold (conditionally for now!) our house, and bought another one that we hope to move into before the middle of July. I've taken two road trips, one Mother's Day weekend for a wedding and then celebrating with Hubby's Mom at the family farm. And another just this past weekend with my sister and her family who flew here from Kansas City. So life has been just that... life, and busy. And good. And I haven't been tracking or exercising regularly but I have been walking from time to time, working in the garden and chasing kiddos. So I'm active.

But things are changing... I have to change. I haven't been able to write yet about my last gynie appointment. It wasn't good. I've been stewing about it but mostly waiting yet again for another test, this time a pelvic ultrasound, that won't happen until September. Joy, the waiting... that seems to be all I do. But I am committed to writing down what DocD, Hubby and I discussed about my option for finally treating my endometriosis, well, as finally as it can be treated until I go into menopause. That will come, hopefully soon.

That precancerous mole??? A general surgeon took off more sample and I go tomorrow for the final check up. I have quite a pretty scar on my shoulder to show for it. And I have bi annual skin checks from now on.

In the followup on my iron levels, I was barely (like one or two points) within normal. I have to keep taking iron pills until I can get the endo stuff taken care of. It isn't going to change, only get worse unless I can get my endometriosis under control. But hey, I'm a tad normal in one area!

As for my leg, it continues to become more and more of a problem, not just in the foot, but in my whole left leg. It, especially my hip, basically hurts all the time. The massage therapist has done her best but she thinks that nothing will really change until my foot is taken care of. And I'm working on a chiropractor appointment (I don't really like them) to see if the hip pain might be related to sciatica, which would just be a problem related to my foot making my whole leg off kilter. I continue to try to stay active and most of the time, once I'm walking in a good rhythm, I can deal with the ache. But I usually pay for it at night while I'm trying to sleep. But I don't want to stop trying. I am adding pilates back into my weekly routine in hopes that more stretching and strengthening will help me get through this. MRI is mid-July with follow-up appointment the second week of August. I am hoping that the doc will have some suggestions for treatment.

And I finally had my mammogram!!! It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. The tech was really good and let me know everything that went on. She took four views. I suppose DocH will contact me with results in the next few days. It's good to have that test over for the year. That will be an annual thing.

And I went to the dentist and got a clean bill of health. And Bug went too, and so did she! That felt good not to have to have any follow-up for once. There is some good news!

Overall, honestly, this all just really feels like a working through this all... I do believe and hope that by this time next year I will be better than ever. I have to go through all this, face it all, in order to get where I want to be. I won't neglect things any longer.

All that said, I'm back to trying to lose a few pounds and get physically strong for all that is ahead. That is my goal... I have to make the most of this time of waiting and prepare my body for what is ahead.

So that's an update... I hope I'll be able to be here more often now.

Way off track, but maintaining anyway.

It's been awhile. I am assuming this blog is really for my own accountability so in the that few weeks, I haven't blogged. Life has taken some real turns and I've had to let go of my commitment to taking care of me like I want to. It's not for good, but for this time. It sucks as I would like to believe that I am THAT super woman who can do it all... exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, take care of her Hubby who works part of seven days a week, care for my kiddos who need me, and you know, go to what feels like a gazillion doctor appointments, get groceries and do all the other errands needed, keep my house with some sense of order, oh and why don't we throw in painting the entire interior of our house so that we can possibly get the house listed in the next week in hopes of buying a home that is a better fit for our family.

Deep breath...

Yeah, it is alot. I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I'm learning to live with it all and trust this season is temporary, that summer will be filled with relaxing afternoons walking, and light lunches that help me get the jiggly off my ever growing derriere and well... take care of me in addition to everything else.

But frankly, there came a point a week or so ago where I had to stop feeling guilty that I was merely maintaining and not keeping up with my goals to lose each week. I am NOT super woman and I cannot do it all. I want to but it isn't possible.

And my health, well, it continues to get complicated.

I had a suspicious mole removed from my back last week. Pathology came back as pre-cancerous. DocH said that it was a six and a 10 is a stage one melanoma. Who needs this anyway? Yet another complication to my health. It means that in a week or so I have to see a general surgeon for another procedure to remove more tissue since the margin was not satisfactory.

I'm not scared of it all or anything. It is a little freaky that there's now a cancer possibility somewhere I didn't expect... on my skin. But more than anything, I'd say aggravated would be more like how I feel as it means three month skin checks indefinitely. Add that to regular checks of my iron levels... I feel overwhelmed. When all I want to do is be a Momma and a wife and enjoy these days, I'm distracted. I hate that more than I can say. I continue to trust My GOD WHO HEALS to take care of all these things. There is nothing else to do.

In other health news (as you can tell, I am quite distracted from what should be the positives of healthy living as I deal with all these health issues that negatively impact life right now)...

1) I do have an MRI appointment for my foot on July 22 with followup August 13. I hope that it yields some treatable results as the pain in my whole left leg continues to increase and inhibit the "feel good" effects of exercise.

2) I saw a massage therapist and she pronounced me "a mess". Not sure how I feel about that... she started in my foot and worked up mostly my leg and lower back... I was in lots of pain. It was definitely therapy. In some ways it felt good to have my pain once again affirmed by a medical professional. And there's something about her touch that practically names my pain, not just a doctor asking about symptoms but not really doing anything about it. I cried when I got home, after I got kids to bed because I realized that this is all potentially serious. She was quite shocked by how many times I said "yeah that hurts, but I have just learned to live with it and through it". She said that isn't right, that I shouldn't have to live with pain. But I do and I just pray each day that God will give me enough strength to get done what I need to, and that my attitude with my kids won't be affected by how I feel physically. God comes through most day and that is a blessing in and of itself.

3) I follow-up on my iron levels next week. Hoping it improves or there will be added appointments to get iron shots each week.

4) And the appointment I am both looking forward to, but also dreading is at the end of this month. The gynecologist. We'll discuss a treatment plan for my endometriosis. And the plan will involve permanently resolving any hope of pregnancy. It's laparoscopy and birth control or ablataion, or possibly hysterectomy with the removal of one of my ovaries. Even writing it brings tears. I have to face this but I admit that my heart just aches. I know that I will no longer feel like I'm dying under the weight of this loss, this infertility, but I admit it still hurts. And today as I tried to shop for a new dress, it seemed that I was the only one barren living in the land of the fertile. Pregnant bellies EVERYWHERE. And my cycle started a couple days ago... and it's been a hard one, the last and we timed everything right to create a scenario for the possible and it didn't happen and now it's over. It's over. It's over. And I have to accept that it's over. I will not be pregnant. Ever. Ever. Ever. And I know that I'm blessed beyond words and I absolutely fully and wholeheartedly LOVE MY LIFE but this one thing that has haunted my spirit.... oh, I'm rambling but my heart is so heavy. I want to release this sadness that comes from the barren, that pricks my spirit when my joy of hearing of another's positive pregnancy test still gets overwhelmed by sadness for me. Selfish as it sounds, I must admit it, live with it, deal with it, make peace with it. And move on. This appointment is the moving on, choosing to live in reality of getting healthier rather than holding on to a determined hope that anything is possible. It is, but in my case, the GOD OF ALL POSSIBILITIES has said "no" to this and I must comply with it, and turn my determined hope to something that will happen. And pray that God will take it all, the pain and heartache and TRUST that it will ALL BE REPLACED with an overwhelming joy, a peace that I don't understand. I believe that is possible, even when having a baby is not.

There. How's that for an update. Back to the blessed grind of Saturday night. Tomorrow HE LIVES and we celebrate!

After the rant, positive thinking...

It's been a tough week. Between the loss of a good friend to a cruel disease last week, my frustrating doctor's appointment on Tuesday, my cycle doing "the usual"...well, it's been a tough week. I'm tired. But still... I can't help but find some positive stuff to write about. And I am thankful that I'm in a good place where I'm able to do that. So here goes...

1) I'm not fat. I might be 10 pounds over what I should be but I AM NOT FAT. I keep saying this and will keep saying it until I believe it in my heart.

2) My jeans fit nicely. They are not the size I would like them to be but they fit (and dare I say!) don't look too bad either.

3) We went for our first walk in the coulees this week. I did it in spite of pain and frustration. It was wet and chilly but still ahh... fresh air! A year ago, in a week like this, I would have curled up in my bed and ignored the world. Progress.

4) Back to #1... as much as it is frustrating to "be a pear", I am glad I am that and not other body shapes. I think it would be incredibly frustrating to have the struggles with a heavy middle and skinny legs I see some women struggling with. As hard as I find it to get jeans especially since the waist is always huge if my bum fits into the jeans, it must be that much harder to have a 'apple' shape.

5) I've gotten more sleep lately. Probably because I've been too exhausted from not sleeping well... vicious cycle, but I am celebrating today that I think that last night, I didn't wake up once from 10:15 to 6:30. It has been YEARS and I mean YEARS since this has happened. No hubby snoring that I heard, no kids crying out, no pain waking me up... I don't know why it happened, but I'm taking it. I'm continuing to try to be in bed as much as possible by 10pm or a little after. I hope this helps my energy level as well, although it won't help me have time with Hubby since after 10pm seems to be our only time together these days. Catch 22... I'm either sleep deprived and miserable to be around or I'm asleep and not around. Hoping this changes as I pray my health improves.

6) I think my body has finally adjusted to the iron. I woke up this morning with no stomach ache and nausea. It's been a rough two weeks in that area. I hope it gets better from here on out.

7) I got the numbers for a couple of therapeutic massage therapists. This treatment has helped my pain levels alot in the past, and I won't let it get to the point where I start sinking into depression again because of it. And if needed, we'll find an acupuncturist. I have yet to try it because to me it seems kind of scary but others have found it really works. I'm about ready to try anything to help since tradition medicine is failing to do anything.

8) I'm trusting that God will heal me in so many ways, from the pain especially, but also from the false idea that I am "lesser than" because I struggle with food and weight. It is becoming clearer and clearer that I think I'm going to have to start treating some of my bad eating habits as an addiction in order to get it into line. And God can handle it all. I am so grateful that I have a God who cares about such things.

No weigh-in again this week since I'll be gone Saturday morning, traveling home from saying goodbye to my friend Angie, who is already celebrating in heaven. I think I'm pretty much maintaining right now which will have to do.

Months.

That's how long until I can get an MRI on my foot. Months. Months. Months. I've been living with this pain for months. Years even. And the sympathy I got yesterday from the orthopod was pathetic. And that is the kindest way I can put it.

The ultrasound on my foot was normal. That would be good except I still have pain. And I'm not even sure the doctor believes me since he said "you need to pull yourself together" before he turned and walked out of the room to my "thanks for your sympathy" comment, not regretting that other patients might hear. I swear... I hate this medical system. For all the people who think that everyone having their health care paid for is such a great deal and it is, but really even that idea is a joke because SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE is paying for it. If not through premiums, then through taxes. Wait and see. Universal coverage is not all sunshing and roses. I'm living proof of that. And not having to pay for health care at the time of services (I say it that way because you will see it in your tax bill and responsibility) and actually GETTING TREATED are two different things. You pay for it one way or another. It's one thing for the possibility of access for everyone, but access and AVAILABILITY to not necessarily go together. And when the docs don't have to care about whether or not you go somewhere else, because there's nowhere else to go because you're already months into the process and believe me, when you try to start over with a new doc they go through the whole testing process again because that is HOW THEY GET PAID. But they don't have to care about how they treat you, they can yell at you to suck it up as they walk out the door, not even waiting for the patient to ask about possible intermediate treatments. They can tell you to get an MRI and know they don't have to deal with you for months, although you're still stuck with the pain and figuring out on your own alternative treatments for the pain because you're already maxed out on OTC pain meds. Yeah, and those alternative treatments? There is NOTHING universally covered about them. Nope. The doc can send you away and you've paid for his services long ago in a tax bill far, far away and he can send you away and you have to find a physical or massage therapist on your own, and pay out of pocket. Works for him. Not his problem. Because he's a part of a crappy system that despite all sorts of laud by other countries only works for the people who can actually jump the queue and pay for their MRIs out of pocket. And good on them, because then I can get mine sooner.

Months to get an MRI. My father in law had a life-threatening stroke a few years ago and it took the system five months to get him an MRI so I can imagine I'll be LUCKY (if I only believed in luck) to get in by the Fall. Today I'm done. I've busted my backside to get and stay healthy... and I can't remember the last time I haven't lived through the day with some kind of pain, and struggled through the night with pain there too. I'd do just about anything to get relief right now. Okay, I go about my life, no one knows unless I tell them, and it really doesn't matter, except it matters to me. It matters because it affects how I love and parent and be. It affects my life, the exhausting battle with pain.

Is it debilitating yet? No. And I am so thankful that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. So thankful I'm not bedridden because of it. But for today, I'm letting out my anger so it doesn't eat me up, because I just want to live. I want to live free of this... and doctor's appointments. I want to be able to enjoy exercise like I used to and not worry about whether or not I've overdone it and won't be able to sleep peacefully. I will keep working and praying toward that end. But today, the months before of coping and the months ahead of coping, well, I'm at a crossroads... I have to dig deep to find freedom from this, and joy in spite of it. I will. I will. I will.
I will.

No Go Weigh In

Weigh in was a no-go this morning since my cycle started. That means at least 2+ pounds for a few days. I did have a good week exercise-wise... four times on the treadmill! Eating was touch and go. I am so very aware of how stress affects my discipline when eating and feel like I make that an excuse when I don't eat everything perfectly, but it is what it is. I cannot sit here and stress about stressing about food. I am working on it. I am aware. I refuse to get frustrated as I am making progress and that is what matters to me.

I will assume that I maintained for the week. And hope this cycle isn't too bad. The iron supplements are definitely affecting my digestive system, at least I'm assuming that is what the problem is. Each morning is hard... and I hope that soon, my body adjusts and that the supplements are doing their job. I sure hope so. I don't feel much better energy wise even though I've been going to bed around 10pm each night, which is an hour earlier than normal. It's about as early as it is going to get. I just keep hoping that my energy eventually catches up eventually.

My foot appointment is Tuesday. I'm anxious, mostly because I don't want him to say "we can find nothing wrong" when my foot hurts, as does my whole left side of my left leg, especially after I've exercised. I'm also anxious because surgery is a potential, and the timing of that stresses me out. I want to be better before summer so it would have to be VERY soon, as in the next month if it's going to heal before we start spending every day, all day outside. But that is completely out of my hands. I have to stop being anxious about it... sigh.

But you know what? This week has been a good one for remembering that I am alive and for the most part, well and able to live the life I want. Yes, I struggle with the strain of all these niggling health issues but I'm not struggling with living. I lost a good friend to cancer this week. She was almost 43. I can live grateful that cancer is not a part of my struggle. And I can live motivated to be as healthy as possible, to do what I can to have the best and longest life possible. It hit me again that it is more than about a number on a scale. It is about lifelong health. For me and for my family.

I'm really doing this.

On the treadmill just now, it hit me. I'm really doing this. I'm really doing this.

Slowly but truly, I'm losing weight.

I'm not perfect.
I don't eat perfect.
I don't have my exercise perfectly set in a routine.

But still, I'm losing weight.

I'm making it happen in the middle of a crazy life.
I'm making it happen even with some health issues that hinder full effort.
I'm making it happen even when I am not able to control everything.

This is my life.

And I'm making it happen.

And it feels good.

Less than 10 pounds to go to my goal.

It feels good.

Back at it.

I've had some funky something or other that has just zapped me since Sunday night. I honestly don't know if it's a virus, or is it is just exhaustion (which affects me in some wierd physical ways besides needing sleep) or if it's my body adjusting to the iron but I've just been physically zapped. Feeling better today and...

I'm determined. Determined to get back at it. So hoping tonight will give me another start at the treadmill and pilates, a few days before my cycle starts and kicks my butt again.

Won't give up.

Back at it.

When Saturday rolls around...

it's weigh in. This week I lost 0.7. Not much but it's something. It's been a tough week, busy. And I'm tired. And Si is dealing with chronic tonsillitis so that makes me even more tired. So there are my excuses for not exercising like I'd like. Not to mention the tiredness... just hoping that iron kicks in (see my last post) to make me feel better and that Spring decides to arrive sooner rather than later. I know that will go a long way to an attitudinal change.

And I'm really at my wit's end with my eating. I know exactly how to do it. I can't plead ignorance. But time and again, I do well, and then something happens. I don't really restrict hard. I am not deprived of any one thing. I could say I just can't help myself sometimes but that is a cop-out. I am the one putting food into my mouth at times I just don't need any. I'm not hungry. Why do I do it? I know alot of it is that I am just mad that I have to watch every bite at all. Someday and in some way, I have to figure out how to make peace with that. It's easy to say. Hard to do.

So 168.2 this week... I'm under 10 pounds to my goal of out of the 160's. Progress in spite of the rest. I have to accept that.

I'm also wishing I could write more and think things through. But life is really moving at a fast pace right now. Every morning except Saturday is filled with something. That means my usual writing and thinking time is cleaning time or resting time. And evenings, well, we're into getting taxes and renovations done so I'm on kid duty more than I am used to, and then helping with the other projects. Life is just TOO full right now. I wish there was time to breathe and take care of me. But I can't feel guilty about that too. I will not give up on trying each and every day to do something healthy for me, but I can't feel guilty if I'm not here on anywhere else when life is so full. I can wish for space to think, but right now, I can't make it a priority except by stealing here and there.

If it's not one thing, it's anemia.

Sigh.



I know in the whole scheme of things, anemia isn't that big of a deal. It's nice to know that there's a medical explanation for my exhaustion. I can stop blaming my kids. I had my annual exam today, and wow, DocH was so thorough in the testing etc, and now there's a load of things to be taken care of. I just have to be thankful that I have a doc here who listens and is willing to do the work of following through.


So anemia. Mostly likely resulting from my problems with my cycle relating to endometriosis. Things just aren't right. I'm on iron now, which I know has a whole other set of issues. I'm just hoping that it returns to normal (it is about six points below the lowest range of normal, not good at all) in the next six weeks, otherwise she wants my to come in twice a week for iron injections in my bum. That'll be a scheduling nightmare, dragging kids in there all the time. Praying things clear up.


I also have a referral to a gynie, which I was pretty sure would happen, although I'm again am thankful that my CA125 (a blood test that is a marker for pelvic cancers, most notably ovarian cancer, but also can show a higher inflammatory state related to the endo) was within normal range. At least that means that I won't necessarily be moving forward with surgery for the endo. And as always, I am immensely grateful that, although this number doesn't give the whole story and I live with a healthy (I hope healthy anyway!) awareness that I'm at more risk for pelvic cancers for several reasons, this test doesn't raise any red flags regarding cancer. I have dear friends in remission, some fighting for all they got, and one friend I dearly love who is terminal. I don't want to go to any of those places. So I live grateful that these are the problems I have, not others. They all suck mind you, but still...


DocH thinks it's important for me to discuss with the gynie my options relating to treatment of my horrible cycles. Option include birth control as in Mir.ena I.U.D., or an endometrial ablation (the lining of the uterus is burned so that periods halt permanently) or the good ole hysterectomy. She is not convinced that the Hys is the way to go and finally, someone who isn't pushing that option on me. Thank goodness for that! Many people have gotten some relative relief and that may end up being the decision I make. But it's not my first choice for treating this and I won't rush into it. So we'll see what that appointment holds, whenever it happens. I'm bracing for a long wait on a list as usual.


Onto other things... mammogram. My breast tissue is cystic and dense and although she doesn't see any problems at this point, she wants a baseline. They recommend 50 years old for this with no family history, but she wants to be cautious here. Again, she was thorough and very reassuring. I didn't realize that 95% of lumps found are benign. She still recommends self-exams as she'd rather see a patient with something benign rather than something advanced. Good plan I say.

And then there's my beautiful skin. One of the things I can say I love about my body is my skin. It's normal skin, not too oily or dry. It isn't overly hairy (yay!). And I tan easily, although I don't spend lots of time on purpose making that happen. I also have lots of brown freckles and moles on my body and shoulders. I don't know why but I like that. But there's the downside in that some of them could possibly turn cancerous. She we're taking a couple spots off. I've had this done before so I know it's no big deal. Just another appointment. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

So much fun here, huh? I can say that I'm overwhelmed. But I'm also happy that there is some confirmation that I'm not really a hypochondriac...I just have a complicated health history. And as always, I'll just deal with it each day and hope that I get to feeling better. What else can I do? I can't throw up my hands and give in to this body... there is too much life to live. I must live and be and enjoy. And work on health. So there it is... all the sordid stuff. Add that to the foot stuff and there's a whole pile of stuff.

Teensy losses, and why I want to lose.

I feel pretty good about this past week. It started off with a head cold so I didn't exercise like I wanted to, but I've done the work these last three days to get some exercise in. I will take it for what it is, progress.

I'm down a pound since last week, which makes me down 0.2 ... slow and steady. I guess this time I'm the turtle not the hare.

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in #4: 171.3
Weigh in #5: 172.2
Weigh in #6: 169.1
Weigh in #7: 169.9
Weigh in #8: 168.9

I was contemplating why I'm having such a hard time gaining momentum. When I lost all my weight in 2005, I was so motivated each and every day to make it happen. Was it because I was paying to go to meetings? Or because I had in-person accountability? Or was it because I had so much to lose that it felt like I was making progress faster? I don't know. But this is a different time with different motivations I guess. And I'm in different shape than I was at this weight last time too. I had been working hard every single day for many months exercising. I was toned and in a size 12 almost size 10 at this weight. I was in GREAT physical shape even at this weight. I'm still wearing size 14 jeans now. And I still have the batootie to show for it. That probably has a lot to do with it. Upping the exercise alongside portion control and watching my calories is probably what needs to happen to really get momentum. Ah, another revelation.

And last night while I was showering after exercising, I was thinking over why I was doing this. I was anticipating NO weight loss this morning and it was discouraging. But I started thinking about why do I care so much about getting in shape and losing this weight? Honestly, that is what I really need to, want to focus on here. I don't want it to be about how other people see me. I want it to be about how I see myself, doing it for myself, not because of some societal misconception that skinny is necessarily healthy.

So why am I really doing this?

There's the practical reasons:

1) I don't have any summer clothes that fit me right now. At least not any cute ones. And I invested in a really nice summer wardrobe in 2005 so I know I have clothes. I just need a body that fits them because I cannot afford to buy lots more (although one of my goal rewards is a new summer dress) nor do I want to invest lots of money in clothes at this size.

2) I know that as I age (I'm turning 41 in six weeks) it will get harder and harder to lose weight. I need to get to a healthy weight for my body type and age NOW and it will be a little easier to get through the tough transition to menopause in the years to come.

3) I am a mid-life Momma to two VERY active children. They are not 'sit on the couch' kind of kids. They go and go, and I have to be able to keep up. I want them to know a very active Momma who plays soccer and goes down slides with them. I don't want them to know a Momma who sits on the sidelines because she's not in good enough physical shape to do the things they like to do.

4) I am anticipating one or even two surgeries in the near future. The first is potentially on my foot. That will mean at least six weeks of no or very low impact exercise following. I have to have my eating under control during that time. Breaking my foot 2 1/2 years ago was the last straw in working to maintain my weight loss. I gave up completely where before the break , even though I didn't really have the time and discipline to keep up my exercise routing after Si was born (and depression didn't help at all), I was still trying and I was still maintaining. I need to be in good shape BEFORE the surgery.

The second surgery could potentially be even more taxing on my body. My family doctor wants me to be ready on Tuesday to talk about what's next with my pelvic health. Ugh... I don't want to face that. As much as I whine about it, I don't want to face it. If my CA125 (a blood test that indicates high levels of inflammation, used mostly to determine pelvic cancers but a good marker for endo too) is high, we'll have to do something... either another laparoscopy where I'll probably ask to have my very shredded and painful right ovary removed, or (gasp! sputter!) the big H... hysterectomy. I don't know what to do... nothing is what I want to do. If I knew that exercise and losing weight would solve this all I would wait it out. But it won't. I don't know what to do, but I do know I want to be as healthy as possible facing that surgery, if in fact it happens.

And then there are the emotional reasons for losing weight and getting healthy:

1) I will not let THIS body defeat my spirit. This is the only place where I talk extensively about how I feel about this body I live in. I know that I am created by a God who knows what He's doing and I know that He creates only the beautiful. I know that. I also know that this endo that has wreaked so much havoc on my life isn't His doing. It's not mine either. I didn't do anything to make this happen to me. But I also won't let a broken body break my spirit. Brokenness leaves scars but healing is always there, always around the corner. And I won't let the struggles I have with my body bring me down and make it an excuse to live less than my full life and purpose. That is the bottom line. This is more about weight loss. This is about doing the most with what I have been given and in spite of the hard stuff, I live one blessed woman.

2) I want to do with my long held struggle with always feeling like the fat girl. So much of my life I have glimpses of feeling fatter than everyone else, of comparing myself in body image only to those around me. Even when I was at my healthiest, I still struggled with seeing myself as a little on the fat side. That has to be overcome. It has to be. Because I am beautiful. And it doesn't matter how I compare to others, that is the bottom line. Now if I can just get to that place in my mind and heart, I'll be closer to healing than ever before.

3) I want to show my kids what it is like to live healthy. And that they can make healthy choices as well. Bug is already watching me. I don't want to eat weird, a strange diet. I want to eat healthy. And show her especially that she is beautiful just the way she is and all it takes is taking care of you. This is one of my main jobs as a mother, to instill in my daughter a true sense of herself. She will face some tough stuff in her future related to her past (how can a 5 year old have a past??) and I want her to be the strongest woman she can be to embrace all of the wonderful future that awaits her.

So that's a start at least. Those are good reasons. And I need to focus on these reasons rather than the scale. The scale is just the most convenient way of marking progress. I want health.

Revelations

I've lost weight. The other options are not what I want so even if it's not coming off as fast as I would like, it's still coming off. I'm not gaining. I'm not still almost 180. That is good.

My weight is only one measure of health. I keep track of it out of convenience.

I hate feeling hungry in the afternoons. I wish there was a button to turn that off.

I like feeling hungry at bedtime. It makes me feel that I've done my job.

I am a pear, therefore, I will always have a bottom half of my body that is out of proportion. It will be this way for always.

I am going to be doing this for the rest of my life.

I can't wait to reach my goals. I enjoy maintaining much more (but who doesn't?).

I can't rush getting to my goals. Life is full. I can't keep making myself feel guilty for not losing any faster.

Good habits are hard to establish especially all alone.

Good habits are needed for good health.

I eat well EXCEPT when I don't. That sounds obvious... smile... but what I mean is that for the most part, I do eat well. I drink lots of water and eat lots of fruits and veggies. I like bran cereal of porridge for breakfast. It's the "moments" of weakness when I eat too much of the wrong thing that I focus on. Why not focus on the times I eat well?

I must somehow learn moderation.

It's hard to eat fresh on a budget.

I like exercising. I really do. I like having those times to focus on me.

Update on foot

I had the ultrasound and xray this AM, and a really nice convo with the ultrasound tech while there. Let me say that even though I wish my foot was completely healthy, it sure was nice going in for an ultrasound that wasn't a pelvic. And I told her so! She took lots of pictures, and manipulated my foot in some pretty painful ways. There are moments when I think "hey, this foot pain isn't so bad" and then there's today when I'm reminded that I don't want to live forever like this if I can help it.

So hopefully, as weird as this sounds, I hope they find something wrong, something that needs fixed. Not that it won't be majorly inconvenient but I would love to have less pain and be able to enjoy exercise without knowing that when I am done, I pay the consequences.

That's the foot update... appointment is March 17 to see what's what.

Next appointment is Tuesday... my annual... another fun time.

Is it Thursday already?

Things are going fine. I finally got back on the treadmill last night for 30 minutes, then pilates and crunches for 20 minutes. It felt really good. Periods and colds don't lend themselves well to coping with life as a whole AND exercising. But I will keep plugging along.

I also feel really good about my eating. It hasn't been perfect and I admit I've failed at tracking each bite, but mostly I've worked on portion control, drinking my water and not eating sweets. Oh, and upping my veggie intake which was already good, but still...

Yesterday I had a near 'I must have a cookie or two and now' moment but I resisted that urge and had peppermint tea with sweetener instead. It only hit me afterwards what a good moment that was and I needed to put it here. I didn't cave, even though I had learned something quite stressful and needed a little comfort. I moved forward with a healthy choice and I admit it felt really, really good looking at it from the other side of the choice. So that's all good!

I'm not perfect. But I'm not a failure. And I am in this for the long haul. I will reach my goal and I hope in good time. If I worked hard I think I could be at my bottom number (160 pounds right now) by Easter but it may be more realistic to do it by Memorial Day when my BabySis comes to visit. Not to mention that it would be closer to summer time and oh, would it ever feel good to put on less clothing and have less body underneath.

More than the weight though, it's about the jiggly. Jiggly be gone. I know as a 'pear' I will always have the bootie and thighs to some extent. I am accepting that. I have to accept that. I have to accept how my profile looks in the mirror. And frankly really, no one else hates it but me so really frankly, why do I hate it so much? So that's a whole other journey.

Anyway... that's a Thursday!

Oh and finally, tomorrow morning is my radiology appointment for my foot ~ an ultrasound and exray. I am thrilled. I'm even dreaming about it! I'll share news when I got any...

New Day

That's what it is... a new day. Starting again, and I'll keep starting again every day if I have to. I can't let a rough weekend, a rough week physically to interfere with doing all I can to be healthy. Good breakfast this morning, and off to a grocery run to get more Core Foods... I think I'm going to try that program from Weight.Watchers for awhile. If nothing else, it will HOPEFULLY decrease the temptation to eat so many sweets (and then think oh, I can just count them and then end up starving and eating way too much in the end)... sugar is a big factor for me and I need to get control, not just for weight loss but for pain control.

And I'm holding onto the fact that finally, this week, I will be getting some tests on my foot which might, just might, lead to a real treatment plan after over two years of gimping around, making the most of it. The pain in my leg (it seems to have crept/creeped up my left leg... weak foot equals weak ankle equals... you get the picture) is starting to affect my sleep and I am so glad that finally, maybe I might be moving forward to some real treatment options.

And next Tuesday is my annual exam. I don't know what to expect except some reassurance that I'm healthier than I feel at the moment. My primary care doc wants me to consider a referral to a Gyn for possible longterm birth control to possibly help with endo pain. I'm not convinced that adding hormones to my body will help. And frankly, I've had no help from anybody in over 10 years of dealing with this. No one gets endo... it's surgery or narcotics... neither treatment solves anything. It may be that menopause will be the only solution but that could still be 10 years away. I might just have to find it somewhere within myself to find my own treatment... diet, exercise, maybe accupuncture and massage, but again, no one has been able to help me specifically or care enough to do research to help figure it out. Oh, except on naturopath, she at least tried but some of her care actually increased the growth of endo... again, she just didn't know, no one does. And then there's the surgery that most likely helped in the short-term. I could do the laparoscopy again but it's only indicated if I have another ovarian mass. So blah... I won't focus on it. I can't focus on it. I can only focus on what I can do which is eat well, exercise, keep my stress levels lower and get sleep.

So there... pulling the hope out of this... I was pretty low this weekend, feeling pretty bad about myself and the fact no one seems to know what to do. That is a truly hopeless feeling. But reality check... no one else is going to take care of me so I have to suck it up and make it happen. And be hopeful and joyful in the process.

I'm excited actually, to be back on track. I want this weight off if nothing else for my own mental health and sense of accomplishment. For me.

Weigh-In, a Truth teller.. of sorts, and getting on with it.

I weighed in yesterday morning... 169.9. I didn't reach my goal which was to NOT gain. I guess you could say that .8 is barely gaining but it is nearly a pound and for me right now, a pound matters. It's a truth teller. I lay in bed Saturday morning contemplating not stepping on the scale, not recording it here, and using all my quite viable excuses to put it in perspective.

I have had to accept something this week... the reality of my ability to exercise and keep the momentum going is going to be hard. I desperately want to. I feel better about myself, have so much energy, love the time to myself to put my headphones on and let Hubby deal with trips to the potty or whines about needing more of this or that, at least for a few minutes. I love it.

So when my period hits hard like it does every week, like it did especially hard this week for whatever random reason, it's depressing. It really is.... because what I want to do and know I am capable of doing is hampered by the reality I have pain that lives in my body, just waiting to drag me down and make me feel bad about myself. That's what it does. I feel like I've failed again somehow because it's been a week since I've exercised and yet... it hit me... I have chronic pain and instead of feeling crabby with myself, and all the negative self-talk that goes with it because I haven't exercised due to the pain my initial days of my cycle bring, shouldn't I be just pushing forward saying "today is a new day... period is gone, not get on with it".

Get on with it. The reality is that unless I make some drastic decisions my situation with pain and my body isn't going to change. I have to be honest with myself and stop feeling sorry for myself and live my reality. At least six days out of each month I won't be able to follow the healthy routine I'm trying to instill in my life, at least exercise wise. The problem becomes that because I don't exercise, I think it gives me the excuse not to track what I'm eating. And I eat all the wrong things which frankly makes the pain worse in the end, and what is that accomplishing.

So I gotta suck it up yet again... no excuses. I may not be able to exercise like I wish I could, but it doesn't mean I can't consider what I eat and make it as healthy as possible. No doctor has been willing to say "this will help your endo pain" but I have discovered some things that have to be cut out, and I just need to stop feeling pity for myself and realize that it's only me who can make me feel better, both physically and emotionally. It's only me. I refuse to get heavier because that just means there is more fat for the estrogen that causes the pain to be stored in.

Yet another truth... I can help the pain by eating right and not sugar binging during my period because it makes me feel better emotionally. Chocolate chip cookies only solve the problem short term, but I still have to work every one of those cookies off my body at some point. They won't magically disappear. When will I get that through my mind?

So I'm facing the truth and getting on with it, and so very glad that today, I can start exercising again and I have three good weeks (minus about a day for ovulation pain when walking is hardly bearable) to exercise ahead of me. And I can commit to track every day, drink my water and get enough rest.

There are no excuses. And that's the truth.

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in #4: 171.3
Weigh in #5: 172.2
Weigh in #6: 169.1
Weigh in #7: 169.9

Vacay, and then some.

So it was a week and a day since I left on my little trip. Haven't been back here since... what does that mean????? Ha! We got home to a sick boy and two crazy days with Hubby's family (we decided to stay over and visit with his family, especially his Dad who is not well, and well, it's always stressful in some way). So I've had lots to do to catch up and keep up and take care of Si and all.

But here I am... we had a marvelous trip. Restful. Not sleep wise really, but emotionally, it was restful. I feel revived.

And so far, I think I can say I kept my commitments for this trip ~ to healthy eating whenever I could, to keep my body moving, but to enjoy it too. We worked out in the hotel exercise rooms two of the three mornings we could. On Thursday, we walked what Hubby thinks was about 9km round trip (about 4.5 miles) along the harbor walkways. It took most of the afternoon. It wasn't an easy hike and the last part of it, as we were both getting weary and had to use the bathroom(!) we walked fast. It was a workout. I paid for it honestly with pain in my foot and now leg, but it felt good to keep moving.

And Friday, we took two different good hikes as we went on a drive and stopped a couple of places to hike down to the ocean. Got my heart pumping and in spite of the sore leg, I was so glad that we had the chance to spend that time quietly in the forest, by the ocean and with each other.

Saturday, our walk was shorter as I was worn out. We walked down quite leisurely to the legislative grounds, along the harbor on the other side, and walked there admiring the beautiful old trees and buildings. But all the exercise and fresh air did us really good, not to mention the holding of hands and not running after kiddos!

Eating was a struggle I must admit. Sometimes eating too late. And breakfasts, well, I just couldn't put a damper on Hubby's good intentions. He went out every morning for good coffee and always brought back something of a treat for breakfast. It was so sweet and I decided to enjoy it. I have to really, really be careful not to dampen every moment with what feels like (probably to him even more than me) a near-obsession with what goes into my mouth. And he got me chocolates for Valentines' Day, not many, but still... oh, and the homemade turtles. He wanted to treat his wife well and he did. He knows me and knows that those sweet treats are my favorites. Some might call it sabotage but I won't... I won't because I'm willing to admit that I have to find a way to make this a lifestyle, even it means that it takes longer to lose the weight. I have to find a way to love it all and embrace the moment and not let it be about food even when sometimes it is.

Otherwise, I did my best to make good choices. When you eat out for the most part, it's a cr@p shoot isn't it? Salads. And Wraps. And if waiters would understand the essential need to have dressing on the side and not get all huffy when I say something, well life as a lifetimer would be much easier. We had a beautiful plate of fresh seafood on Saturday, and oh wow, was it ever good. We chose to split it for cost reasons but in the end, it was a good choice for portion control.

I came home to my cycle starting and these last two days have been pretty brutal. And I don't say that lightly. Brutal is a harsh word but two nights ago I may have gotten about two hours total of broken sleep because of the pain and excessive bleeding. It scared me. But what's a girl to do? That is a whole other post I guess. And yesterday morning and this morning have been really hard too. I just have to try to get on with my day, hope the M*trin works, and hope the M*trin doesn't cause damage to other parts of my body. What else can I do but endure it? It sucks.

And I'll admit it here too... there are days when how my body feels is just a harsh reminder of how my body has failed me. I don't know how else to express it but as I've tried to take better care of me and my body, I can really tell how very much I have really grown to hate my body for what it has done to me. And hating my body doesn't help because hate makes it hard to be kind to it, as in care for it. Punishing is more like what I feel like doing, but what a vicious cycle that is, would be. I hurt more after I eat the things I shouldn't... it just goes round and round. but as I research ways of eating that might help me feel better endo-wise, all I find are diets that feel so much like a punishment too. I wish... it feels so much like piling on.

And all I know to do is keep plugging, keep trying, keep planning on finding health and doing what I know to do to get myself as close to that place as possible, even if it isn't a complete solution. It's something. Because I am worth it. My body is mine and I have to find a way to see myself as beautiful not just broken. I hope the hard work and good health care will get me there.

So that's it... I weigh in Saturday and we'll go from there. I can't really exercise until maybe Friday night because of the pain and my cycle which means that as much as I hate to admit it, I don't eat as well either. Those two things are so intertwined for me... momentum I guess. So we'll see what happens then.

I have to celebrate yesterday.

It was a rough day. Really rough. Not out of the ordinary rough, just unplanned and so not what I wanted to be doing on a Saturday rough. Bug woke up with a normal temp and bright eyes and by 10:30am she had a high fever and was throwing up what little she had eaten, which wasn't much. This was the third time in a row that after the M*trin wore off, her fever spiked, she threw up and well, she'd had a fever since Thursday night so we were a bit nervous. Hubby wanted her seen ~ on a Saturday morning????? ~ although I was ready to ride it out and see.

Well, so not what I wanted to do on our one day together. Bug can't help being sick but I'd much rather just snuggle in with her on a couch then hunt down a doctor for her. I won't bore you with the details but let's just say that the trek to see the doc involved getting lost, waiting for three hours, two pharmacies and a near collision when I almost ran a red light. I was exhausted and stressed and frustrated.

But you know what???

I didn't eat to solve it. I thought about how good a couple R.ee.se's peanut butter cups would be while I waited at the pharmacy, you know, since we hadn't had lunch at it was 3:30pm. Or maybe a bag of chips... after all, I deserved it for all the stress right? But I didn't. We ate a few pretzels I had in my purse and I stuck in a piece of gum and when I got home I had some veggie soup for zero points and went to take a nap.

So yay.... yay. I did have a cookie later that night with my chai, but that is the great thing about my eating program... there is room for flexibility and having a treat now and then without screwing the whole thing up. And I didn't screw up. I ate well even in the middle of stress. And I hope I can do it again when a day like this happens.

And for what it's worth, it could be very soon, like this morning, since we are yet again, home sick from church. Sigh... I can do this. Off to get dressed and snuggle in to watch a movie with my kiddos. And pray for peace in all of this.

But yeah... yay!

Back on Track, and Tracking... and Bye-Bye 170's!!!!

It's been a week, that's all I can say. I made the decision Tuesday morning to get back to tracking since I was seeing my weight creep up. And after just four days of tracking, I'm down... just proving that I'm not ready to do this on my own, not when life is stressful and I'm exhausted. I guess tracking to me, right now, is kind of like an A.A meeting with a sponsor to boot. Writing it down keeps me honest and I'm brutally honest with what I write down. The food diary is my "little voice" on my shoulder saying "are you sure that is your best choice?"

I'm not sure why I felt so much like a failure (someday I will have to work through that feeling once and for all... oh, the somedays keep getting crowded out by the todays and a busy life with kids, sick and well, a hubby who has to work so hard, and home keeping and job searching...) because I HAVE TO track each bite. Why do I beat myself up because I can't seem to control my eating without this tool?

But then, when I think about it, what is wrong with enlisting tools to help get control and keep control? We do it all the time. We use alarms to get our selves up in the morning. Even the exercise machinery in gyms keep people in shape. What is so wrong with using this tool? Nothing. And that's the bottom line. I don't want to become obsessive about it, but when I track I can't fool myself into believing that something is what it isn't. For instance, I tracked breakfast this morning... our typical, planned big Saturday morning breakfast. This is our Saturday AM ritual because it is the only morning that we get to all sit down together as a family. An egg... two pancakes with a bit of syrup each, two pieces of bacon, a cup of fruit. Yummy! But more than half my points for the day. That is reality. Those are calories that I choose to put into my body and I will choose to enjoy them and make sacrifices elsewhere. It means no pizza tonight, or a different snack this afternoon. And the great thing about tracking is that I can have this kind of flexibility, not a rigid "do not eat" diet... I can actually learn to eat and sacrifice to stay within what my body NEEDS, not what I want for my own comfort or just because it tastes good.

Anyway... I am back on track, had a few good workouts, although it's been kind of a wonky week with Hubby travelling (and I usually work out in the evenings when he is here with the kids) and sick kids (yes, again...). But between the treadmill, the tramp, pilates, resistance bands and just old-fashioned reps, I am starting to see some changes in my shape, how my clothes fit and that is my main goal.

As for weight...

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in #4: 171.3
Weigh in #5: 172.2
Weigh in today: 169.1

It feels good. I'm losing slowly and it is what I can handle. I keep saying over and over "I am doing this for as long as it takes... which for me is for always." Progress, no matter how small, is what matters.

I have reached my first big, planned milestone, to finally get out of the 170's, which hasn't happened in over a year. Yay!!!!! My reward is a pedicure, so now I need to find someplace here (or maybe in Victoria... get it done on my trip! Yeah, that's it!) to pamper myself for awhile.

Now, I'm leaving on this trip on Wednesday (hopefully! Pray we're ALL well, including the families at the farm where kiddos are staying...they've had major illness there too!) and my goal over the next two weeks is to at the very least maintain.

We got a hotel with an exercise room and we're staying downtown by the riverfront where I understand there are lots of amazing places to walk. So I'm planning on making good choices, and exercising but for the most part enjoying this time with my Hubby without the stress of watching each bite, though I plan on not going crazy with my eating just because I am away. If I am making this a lifetime decision it means that there are certain times when the plan is modified to make room for more freedom for a period, knowing I can do good things in order to stay on my plan but still enjoy the time.

So there it is... another update.

I so deserved it.

I gained about a pound according to the scale this week. I deserved it. And that's all I'm going to say.

I Had a Good Day

No tracking but still, I didn't have any unhealthy snacks or portions. I even fixed a big supper for company and did not have seconds, although I did have a bite of dessert. I felt I could because I paid attention all day. I drank all my water. Thirty minutes of hard work on the treadmill. Ten minutes of work on the abs.

I honestly don't know if this no-tracking thing is going to work though. Tracking helps. It helps me pay attention to every bite and that is what I might need to re-train my brain to just eat to live, not live to eat. We'll see. But Hubby challenged me to this, to not obsess about every bite, to enjoy it, not over-indulging but enjoying. I'm think he's onto something, although it may not be that simple.

And thanks to my friends who heard my cry for support this afternoon. Nachos were screaming out to me as an afternoon snack. All I did was ask and I got lots of encouragement... I didn't have it, just a glass of water and the promise of a bite of chocolate chip dumplings at supper. That did it and I made it.

I have an annual appointment at the beginning of March. They got me in early (I was originally scheduled end of April, and that was my final goal date) so now I have to start making decisions. My new family doctor wants me to decide about a referral to a gyne for a consult about potential surgery (the big H, or at least a laparoscopy to remove my right ovary which is shot) or birth control (which is such a twisted irony I can't even speak of it) in order to give me some possible relief from endo pain. I honestly don't want to face either one, but I think I may be to that point in my life. I don' t know. I just hope that the next six or so weeks will prove to be health 'giving' enough that the decisions will be crystal clear. I know that if my blood tests show inflammation I won't have a choice... so wow... this could be a telling year health-wise. I have to face it. I can't hang onto the hope that somehow, someway my body will work right. Ahhh... decisions. It never ends.

Okay, Okay...

that is how today was. I stayed busy which always helps in the eating department although I must admit it's hard to distract myself when I'm stuck in a house with two kiddos who are coughing. I really crave being outside and moving, crave it. And boredom kicks in... anyone else find the 4-6 pm time brutal? Bug wanted to make cookies because she was "bored, Mom". Peanut butter oatmeal cookies it was. I haven't had a single one although I did dip into the dough twice for a lick. So I did okay on that...

But I must get off here and get the dishes done and down to the treadmill before I lose what little energy I have left to exercise.

But let me admit this too... I've been thinking alot, and I mean alot, about when this all started... why is weight such an issue for me? And why has it been that way for so long, even when I wasn't overweight? I mean in high school, I was a cheerleader and had a 23 inch waist. I look at my high school graduation pictures and wow... I looked decent. Notice I have a hard time saying 'good'. Hippier hips or not, I looked nice. But then, I thought I was fat, much fatter than the rest of the girls and I thought that was the reason I never had a boyfriend. Ho hum... am I ever screwed up.

The more I think about it the more I wonder if maybe it has to do with the fact my Mom started talking to me about the chances of me being a bigger girl when I was mid-elementary age. That's early, isn't it? I remember her putting me on her diet at around 10 or 11... plain fish and lettuce salad with no dressing. And I hated it. I am certain her intentions were right (although I at times over my adult life have wondered if she struggles with some eating issues herself... some of the diets she tries... wow...) at the time, but I wonder if having that idea planted the seed that made comments turn to paranoia a bit. I don't know. All I know is that there is a part of me that really wants to like myself at 170 pounds... not to be out of shape and this weight, but happy and healthy and not worrying about losing ALL... THE... TIME. That would be such a relief.

Newest project...

Today was like starting over. I had to. I haven't gained but really I should have based on how undisciplined I've been about everything. But I had a good day today. I'll have to work through the struggles with chocolate etc at a later date, but today, I made a pact with my friend 'kt' that when we both get to 1000 workout minutes, we'll celebrate with a girl's night out. I hope it will help me focus more on the exercise than my struggle with food.

I know that I know that I know that if I'm working out, the food falls into line. It has happened every time. Every single time. And I want to be disciplined about not worrying about the number on the scale (although is that ever a hard habit to break????) but rather about how I'm feeling. And frankly, based on the indulgences ~ whatever you do, DO NOT make chocochip cookies with Her.shey k!sses and SK#R bar pieces, they are irresistable ~ I feel really cruddy, not just because I haven't been in complete control but because I really, truly feel it... my diet makes or break my endo pain levels and when I indulge in the wrong stuff I pay the price, and regret it, but I'm not thinking about that in the moment you know?

It's the 'in the moment' that gets me. Think it through Miss Pear!!! What are you putting in your mouth? What excuses are you making for yourself? Why are you focusing on the pain and not the possibilities?

So this new project, our '1000 minutes' is my new focus... and I know that I know that the food will fall into place. I just know it.

I am owning my failure to be disciplined. I'm not beating myself up about it because it's done. I'm moving forward. There's nothing else to do but do it right now.

I caved, I weighed.

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in today: 171.3

Not too shabby for how this week has gone. It's a testament not to personal discipline but in paying attention and every day, at least trying even when it is hard to do. I am really hoping that I can have a banner week this next week, get back on the treadmill and track more diligently. But for today, I am content to know that I'm not gaining... and I'm a pound closer to a more healthy weight.

Masterpiece Days??? What was I thinking???

Good goal. Poor planning. I'm not sure why I didn't look at my calendar and made this commitment on Sunday night. I was excited about achieving it. I don't feel like I've failed at this goal, but rather, I should have planned better when committing to it. I have come to accept the fact that my body and how much pain I am in dictates how well I can accomplish these kinds of goals.

I have endometriosis. Alot of people don't know what that is, but the bottom line is that it has affected my life in profound ways for a long time. In some ways I'm thankful that I have the ability to cope with the effects of this illness most of the time. I have friends who have days when they are literally in bed because of the pelvic pain that comes with this disease and cycling. I can usually manage but for so long, I've tried to pretend or convince myself ~ or truthfully, forced myself to believe that by sheer will and determination I would not let this disease affect my daily life. The fact is, it does affect me. I have to admit that every month I have days where the pain is manageable but affects my ability to get things done, to have a gentle spirit (pain with the hormonal issues don't help that for sure!) and for sure, I don't have what it takes to do the extra care of exercise.

It seems like an excuse to some but if you haven't live with chronic pain, or pain that comes and interrupts the every dayness of life, you don't understand it. I won't ever let it completely get me down... I will continue to strive towards good health and it is possible, but it has to be done in the context of the truth that I am affected by a disease that is incurable. And I have to continue to find ways to manage it. Thankfully my annual exam has been moved up to the end of March so we can get moving on making some decisions about my future health.

Those decisions include the process of "giving up" the last threads of hope that somehow we will have a miracle pregnancy sometime. I am almost 41. One pregnancy in 10 years. Reality. And if there is something that will improve my healthy long term, I'm going to have to consider these things. I'm going to have to find a way to get the word "hysterectomy" out of my mouth, and it might end up being me going on some form of birth control (which is a true irony) in order to treat the endo, even though I'm as infertile as they get.

And since our supplemental insurance has kicked in, I can get back into my routine of having massages on a regular basis. It has been an amazing therapy for my pain. The key is finding the right masseuse who does therapy not relaxation. And I'm considering accupuncture and returning to a naturopath to work more on my diet. I have many limits in my diet because of this disease and my belief that sugar and fried foods affect my levels of pain negatively, and natural foods affect it positively. It's just hard to eat that way ALL the time. But I have to.

Anyway... this post started out as accountability just to say I'm not reaching my goal for this week. I need to be honest and not hide it or make excuses. But I also need to live in reality and this is my reality, and part of my journey to health.

So my new goal is to eat right, drink my water and get rest this week. I'm considering not weighing in because ultimately that might be frustrating no matter what happens this week. That's it. Have a healthy day!