Masterpiece Days??? What was I thinking???

Good goal. Poor planning. I'm not sure why I didn't look at my calendar and made this commitment on Sunday night. I was excited about achieving it. I don't feel like I've failed at this goal, but rather, I should have planned better when committing to it. I have come to accept the fact that my body and how much pain I am in dictates how well I can accomplish these kinds of goals.

I have endometriosis. Alot of people don't know what that is, but the bottom line is that it has affected my life in profound ways for a long time. In some ways I'm thankful that I have the ability to cope with the effects of this illness most of the time. I have friends who have days when they are literally in bed because of the pelvic pain that comes with this disease and cycling. I can usually manage but for so long, I've tried to pretend or convince myself ~ or truthfully, forced myself to believe that by sheer will and determination I would not let this disease affect my daily life. The fact is, it does affect me. I have to admit that every month I have days where the pain is manageable but affects my ability to get things done, to have a gentle spirit (pain with the hormonal issues don't help that for sure!) and for sure, I don't have what it takes to do the extra care of exercise.

It seems like an excuse to some but if you haven't live with chronic pain, or pain that comes and interrupts the every dayness of life, you don't understand it. I won't ever let it completely get me down... I will continue to strive towards good health and it is possible, but it has to be done in the context of the truth that I am affected by a disease that is incurable. And I have to continue to find ways to manage it. Thankfully my annual exam has been moved up to the end of March so we can get moving on making some decisions about my future health.

Those decisions include the process of "giving up" the last threads of hope that somehow we will have a miracle pregnancy sometime. I am almost 41. One pregnancy in 10 years. Reality. And if there is something that will improve my healthy long term, I'm going to have to consider these things. I'm going to have to find a way to get the word "hysterectomy" out of my mouth, and it might end up being me going on some form of birth control (which is a true irony) in order to treat the endo, even though I'm as infertile as they get.

And since our supplemental insurance has kicked in, I can get back into my routine of having massages on a regular basis. It has been an amazing therapy for my pain. The key is finding the right masseuse who does therapy not relaxation. And I'm considering accupuncture and returning to a naturopath to work more on my diet. I have many limits in my diet because of this disease and my belief that sugar and fried foods affect my levels of pain negatively, and natural foods affect it positively. It's just hard to eat that way ALL the time. But I have to.

Anyway... this post started out as accountability just to say I'm not reaching my goal for this week. I need to be honest and not hide it or make excuses. But I also need to live in reality and this is my reality, and part of my journey to health.

So my new goal is to eat right, drink my water and get rest this week. I'm considering not weighing in because ultimately that might be frustrating no matter what happens this week. That's it. Have a healthy day!