This is my life. This is not a diet.

I am sticking to retraining my thinking and decreasing the amount of obsession that goes on in my head about every single little bite I take. I know it all matters. But I also know that what matters more is that I begin to think healthy alongside working to be physically healthy. This weekend served as a good time to really discover how weak I become because of negative self-talk.

Saturday morning I weighed and saw four pounds gone. And I borderlined complained about it, wasn't really that excited about it because I've seen these pounds come and go several times. And I had already decided that no matter what (even before the weigh-in) I would enjoy Saturday morning breakfast with my family. It's a tradition since really, Saturday is our Sabbath, to have a big breakfast with eggs and pancakes and bacon, fruit and juice and of course, coffee. This is my life and my family enjoys this one morning where breakfast isn't rushed or Hubby isn't missing.

After I ate, which by the way, was in good moderation, I started telling myself how if I didn't watch it, I would fail at this yet again. Self-talk. It is ONE meal for heaven's sake. And somehow I have to learn that I can eat in moderation and enjoy my life without feeling guilty about it. After this initial week, my goal is to lose at least one pound so really, I have nothing to worry about. But there I was, worrying. And I am enjoying my time of exercise too, and my foot is holding up, and that is my very FIRST goal, to get exercise and gain muscle instead of having so much fat. I have to stop making myself feel guilty as a way of moderating my behavior. It isn't healthy and it doesn't work for the long term. And the fact is, feeling guilty leads to feeling like a failure because I know I'll never be perfect at this, and this feeling of failure spills into so many other areas of my life, creating a fear to try anything. Or to let go of anything.

After I thought about all this last night on the treadmill, as I reviewed how much I enjoyed a more relaxed weekend eating - wise... meaning I ate in moderation but I didn't count every single bite... and how much easier it was but how much I didn't gain because of it, I'm determined to relax and know that this is my life and even small steps make me healthier. And I can have one chocolate or an extra cup of coffee that my Hubby brings me and it doesn't have to send my into a tizzy.

This is my life. This is not a diet. That is the way I want to think.

UPDATE: I am not weighing in again until next Saturday because this Saturday Hubby and I will be enjoying (we hope... praying the kids are well enough for us to go... Bug has a bad cold) some time away to celebrate our tenth anniversary. And I have a plan for that... mainly, I have taken along low-calorie snacks to have in my purse for the times we stop at a coffee shop, and Hubby has committed to go with me to use the work-out room at our hotel at least two times while we're gone. And I know we'll go walking in nothing else around the block, because we always enjoy doing that together. And we got a room with a kitchenette so that means I won't have to do three meals out every day. We'll get skim milk and bran cereal, and some fruit and veggies to have in the room, and we'll eat lighter meals there so we can enjoy some special time out and I know it's in moderation (I've also researched online for some point values of choices at certain restaurants we often frequent. That will help me make healthier choices as well). Also, I have committed to being happy (that sounds so funny!) to maintain my weight, and not lose. And most of all, I am hoping that this is a time of refreshing and rest for me and I can re-commit to some new goals when we get back. Oh and water... I WILL drink my water... I can do that anywhere!