Teensy losses, and why I want to lose.

I feel pretty good about this past week. It started off with a head cold so I didn't exercise like I wanted to, but I've done the work these last three days to get some exercise in. I will take it for what it is, progress.

I'm down a pound since last week, which makes me down 0.2 ... slow and steady. I guess this time I'm the turtle not the hare.

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in #4: 171.3
Weigh in #5: 172.2
Weigh in #6: 169.1
Weigh in #7: 169.9
Weigh in #8: 168.9

I was contemplating why I'm having such a hard time gaining momentum. When I lost all my weight in 2005, I was so motivated each and every day to make it happen. Was it because I was paying to go to meetings? Or because I had in-person accountability? Or was it because I had so much to lose that it felt like I was making progress faster? I don't know. But this is a different time with different motivations I guess. And I'm in different shape than I was at this weight last time too. I had been working hard every single day for many months exercising. I was toned and in a size 12 almost size 10 at this weight. I was in GREAT physical shape even at this weight. I'm still wearing size 14 jeans now. And I still have the batootie to show for it. That probably has a lot to do with it. Upping the exercise alongside portion control and watching my calories is probably what needs to happen to really get momentum. Ah, another revelation.

And last night while I was showering after exercising, I was thinking over why I was doing this. I was anticipating NO weight loss this morning and it was discouraging. But I started thinking about why do I care so much about getting in shape and losing this weight? Honestly, that is what I really need to, want to focus on here. I don't want it to be about how other people see me. I want it to be about how I see myself, doing it for myself, not because of some societal misconception that skinny is necessarily healthy.

So why am I really doing this?

There's the practical reasons:

1) I don't have any summer clothes that fit me right now. At least not any cute ones. And I invested in a really nice summer wardrobe in 2005 so I know I have clothes. I just need a body that fits them because I cannot afford to buy lots more (although one of my goal rewards is a new summer dress) nor do I want to invest lots of money in clothes at this size.

2) I know that as I age (I'm turning 41 in six weeks) it will get harder and harder to lose weight. I need to get to a healthy weight for my body type and age NOW and it will be a little easier to get through the tough transition to menopause in the years to come.

3) I am a mid-life Momma to two VERY active children. They are not 'sit on the couch' kind of kids. They go and go, and I have to be able to keep up. I want them to know a very active Momma who plays soccer and goes down slides with them. I don't want them to know a Momma who sits on the sidelines because she's not in good enough physical shape to do the things they like to do.

4) I am anticipating one or even two surgeries in the near future. The first is potentially on my foot. That will mean at least six weeks of no or very low impact exercise following. I have to have my eating under control during that time. Breaking my foot 2 1/2 years ago was the last straw in working to maintain my weight loss. I gave up completely where before the break , even though I didn't really have the time and discipline to keep up my exercise routing after Si was born (and depression didn't help at all), I was still trying and I was still maintaining. I need to be in good shape BEFORE the surgery.

The second surgery could potentially be even more taxing on my body. My family doctor wants me to be ready on Tuesday to talk about what's next with my pelvic health. Ugh... I don't want to face that. As much as I whine about it, I don't want to face it. If my CA125 (a blood test that indicates high levels of inflammation, used mostly to determine pelvic cancers but a good marker for endo too) is high, we'll have to do something... either another laparoscopy where I'll probably ask to have my very shredded and painful right ovary removed, or (gasp! sputter!) the big H... hysterectomy. I don't know what to do... nothing is what I want to do. If I knew that exercise and losing weight would solve this all I would wait it out. But it won't. I don't know what to do, but I do know I want to be as healthy as possible facing that surgery, if in fact it happens.

And then there are the emotional reasons for losing weight and getting healthy:

1) I will not let THIS body defeat my spirit. This is the only place where I talk extensively about how I feel about this body I live in. I know that I am created by a God who knows what He's doing and I know that He creates only the beautiful. I know that. I also know that this endo that has wreaked so much havoc on my life isn't His doing. It's not mine either. I didn't do anything to make this happen to me. But I also won't let a broken body break my spirit. Brokenness leaves scars but healing is always there, always around the corner. And I won't let the struggles I have with my body bring me down and make it an excuse to live less than my full life and purpose. That is the bottom line. This is more about weight loss. This is about doing the most with what I have been given and in spite of the hard stuff, I live one blessed woman.

2) I want to do with my long held struggle with always feeling like the fat girl. So much of my life I have glimpses of feeling fatter than everyone else, of comparing myself in body image only to those around me. Even when I was at my healthiest, I still struggled with seeing myself as a little on the fat side. That has to be overcome. It has to be. Because I am beautiful. And it doesn't matter how I compare to others, that is the bottom line. Now if I can just get to that place in my mind and heart, I'll be closer to healing than ever before.

3) I want to show my kids what it is like to live healthy. And that they can make healthy choices as well. Bug is already watching me. I don't want to eat weird, a strange diet. I want to eat healthy. And show her especially that she is beautiful just the way she is and all it takes is taking care of you. This is one of my main jobs as a mother, to instill in my daughter a true sense of herself. She will face some tough stuff in her future related to her past (how can a 5 year old have a past??) and I want her to be the strongest woman she can be to embrace all of the wonderful future that awaits her.

So that's a start at least. Those are good reasons. And I need to focus on these reasons rather than the scale. The scale is just the most convenient way of marking progress. I want health.