Vacay, and then some.

So it was a week and a day since I left on my little trip. Haven't been back here since... what does that mean????? Ha! We got home to a sick boy and two crazy days with Hubby's family (we decided to stay over and visit with his family, especially his Dad who is not well, and well, it's always stressful in some way). So I've had lots to do to catch up and keep up and take care of Si and all.

But here I am... we had a marvelous trip. Restful. Not sleep wise really, but emotionally, it was restful. I feel revived.

And so far, I think I can say I kept my commitments for this trip ~ to healthy eating whenever I could, to keep my body moving, but to enjoy it too. We worked out in the hotel exercise rooms two of the three mornings we could. On Thursday, we walked what Hubby thinks was about 9km round trip (about 4.5 miles) along the harbor walkways. It took most of the afternoon. It wasn't an easy hike and the last part of it, as we were both getting weary and had to use the bathroom(!) we walked fast. It was a workout. I paid for it honestly with pain in my foot and now leg, but it felt good to keep moving.

And Friday, we took two different good hikes as we went on a drive and stopped a couple of places to hike down to the ocean. Got my heart pumping and in spite of the sore leg, I was so glad that we had the chance to spend that time quietly in the forest, by the ocean and with each other.

Saturday, our walk was shorter as I was worn out. We walked down quite leisurely to the legislative grounds, along the harbor on the other side, and walked there admiring the beautiful old trees and buildings. But all the exercise and fresh air did us really good, not to mention the holding of hands and not running after kiddos!

Eating was a struggle I must admit. Sometimes eating too late. And breakfasts, well, I just couldn't put a damper on Hubby's good intentions. He went out every morning for good coffee and always brought back something of a treat for breakfast. It was so sweet and I decided to enjoy it. I have to really, really be careful not to dampen every moment with what feels like (probably to him even more than me) a near-obsession with what goes into my mouth. And he got me chocolates for Valentines' Day, not many, but still... oh, and the homemade turtles. He wanted to treat his wife well and he did. He knows me and knows that those sweet treats are my favorites. Some might call it sabotage but I won't... I won't because I'm willing to admit that I have to find a way to make this a lifestyle, even it means that it takes longer to lose the weight. I have to find a way to love it all and embrace the moment and not let it be about food even when sometimes it is.

Otherwise, I did my best to make good choices. When you eat out for the most part, it's a cr@p shoot isn't it? Salads. And Wraps. And if waiters would understand the essential need to have dressing on the side and not get all huffy when I say something, well life as a lifetimer would be much easier. We had a beautiful plate of fresh seafood on Saturday, and oh wow, was it ever good. We chose to split it for cost reasons but in the end, it was a good choice for portion control.

I came home to my cycle starting and these last two days have been pretty brutal. And I don't say that lightly. Brutal is a harsh word but two nights ago I may have gotten about two hours total of broken sleep because of the pain and excessive bleeding. It scared me. But what's a girl to do? That is a whole other post I guess. And yesterday morning and this morning have been really hard too. I just have to try to get on with my day, hope the M*trin works, and hope the M*trin doesn't cause damage to other parts of my body. What else can I do but endure it? It sucks.

And I'll admit it here too... there are days when how my body feels is just a harsh reminder of how my body has failed me. I don't know how else to express it but as I've tried to take better care of me and my body, I can really tell how very much I have really grown to hate my body for what it has done to me. And hating my body doesn't help because hate makes it hard to be kind to it, as in care for it. Punishing is more like what I feel like doing, but what a vicious cycle that is, would be. I hurt more after I eat the things I shouldn't... it just goes round and round. but as I research ways of eating that might help me feel better endo-wise, all I find are diets that feel so much like a punishment too. I wish... it feels so much like piling on.

And all I know to do is keep plugging, keep trying, keep planning on finding health and doing what I know to do to get myself as close to that place as possible, even if it isn't a complete solution. It's something. Because I am worth it. My body is mine and I have to find a way to see myself as beautiful not just broken. I hope the hard work and good health care will get me there.

So that's it... I weigh in Saturday and we'll go from there. I can't really exercise until maybe Friday night because of the pain and my cycle which means that as much as I hate to admit it, I don't eat as well either. Those two things are so intertwined for me... momentum I guess. So we'll see what happens then.