After the rant, positive thinking...

It's been a tough week. Between the loss of a good friend to a cruel disease last week, my frustrating doctor's appointment on Tuesday, my cycle doing "the usual"...well, it's been a tough week. I'm tired. But still... I can't help but find some positive stuff to write about. And I am thankful that I'm in a good place where I'm able to do that. So here goes...

1) I'm not fat. I might be 10 pounds over what I should be but I AM NOT FAT. I keep saying this and will keep saying it until I believe it in my heart.

2) My jeans fit nicely. They are not the size I would like them to be but they fit (and dare I say!) don't look too bad either.

3) We went for our first walk in the coulees this week. I did it in spite of pain and frustration. It was wet and chilly but still ahh... fresh air! A year ago, in a week like this, I would have curled up in my bed and ignored the world. Progress.

4) Back to #1... as much as it is frustrating to "be a pear", I am glad I am that and not other body shapes. I think it would be incredibly frustrating to have the struggles with a heavy middle and skinny legs I see some women struggling with. As hard as I find it to get jeans especially since the waist is always huge if my bum fits into the jeans, it must be that much harder to have a 'apple' shape.

5) I've gotten more sleep lately. Probably because I've been too exhausted from not sleeping well... vicious cycle, but I am celebrating today that I think that last night, I didn't wake up once from 10:15 to 6:30. It has been YEARS and I mean YEARS since this has happened. No hubby snoring that I heard, no kids crying out, no pain waking me up... I don't know why it happened, but I'm taking it. I'm continuing to try to be in bed as much as possible by 10pm or a little after. I hope this helps my energy level as well, although it won't help me have time with Hubby since after 10pm seems to be our only time together these days. Catch 22... I'm either sleep deprived and miserable to be around or I'm asleep and not around. Hoping this changes as I pray my health improves.

6) I think my body has finally adjusted to the iron. I woke up this morning with no stomach ache and nausea. It's been a rough two weeks in that area. I hope it gets better from here on out.

7) I got the numbers for a couple of therapeutic massage therapists. This treatment has helped my pain levels alot in the past, and I won't let it get to the point where I start sinking into depression again because of it. And if needed, we'll find an acupuncturist. I have yet to try it because to me it seems kind of scary but others have found it really works. I'm about ready to try anything to help since tradition medicine is failing to do anything.

8) I'm trusting that God will heal me in so many ways, from the pain especially, but also from the false idea that I am "lesser than" because I struggle with food and weight. It is becoming clearer and clearer that I think I'm going to have to start treating some of my bad eating habits as an addiction in order to get it into line. And God can handle it all. I am so grateful that I have a God who cares about such things.

No weigh-in again this week since I'll be gone Saturday morning, traveling home from saying goodbye to my friend Angie, who is already celebrating in heaven. I think I'm pretty much maintaining right now which will have to do.

Months.

That's how long until I can get an MRI on my foot. Months. Months. Months. I've been living with this pain for months. Years even. And the sympathy I got yesterday from the orthopod was pathetic. And that is the kindest way I can put it.

The ultrasound on my foot was normal. That would be good except I still have pain. And I'm not even sure the doctor believes me since he said "you need to pull yourself together" before he turned and walked out of the room to my "thanks for your sympathy" comment, not regretting that other patients might hear. I swear... I hate this medical system. For all the people who think that everyone having their health care paid for is such a great deal and it is, but really even that idea is a joke because SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE is paying for it. If not through premiums, then through taxes. Wait and see. Universal coverage is not all sunshing and roses. I'm living proof of that. And not having to pay for health care at the time of services (I say it that way because you will see it in your tax bill and responsibility) and actually GETTING TREATED are two different things. You pay for it one way or another. It's one thing for the possibility of access for everyone, but access and AVAILABILITY to not necessarily go together. And when the docs don't have to care about whether or not you go somewhere else, because there's nowhere else to go because you're already months into the process and believe me, when you try to start over with a new doc they go through the whole testing process again because that is HOW THEY GET PAID. But they don't have to care about how they treat you, they can yell at you to suck it up as they walk out the door, not even waiting for the patient to ask about possible intermediate treatments. They can tell you to get an MRI and know they don't have to deal with you for months, although you're still stuck with the pain and figuring out on your own alternative treatments for the pain because you're already maxed out on OTC pain meds. Yeah, and those alternative treatments? There is NOTHING universally covered about them. Nope. The doc can send you away and you've paid for his services long ago in a tax bill far, far away and he can send you away and you have to find a physical or massage therapist on your own, and pay out of pocket. Works for him. Not his problem. Because he's a part of a crappy system that despite all sorts of laud by other countries only works for the people who can actually jump the queue and pay for their MRIs out of pocket. And good on them, because then I can get mine sooner.

Months to get an MRI. My father in law had a life-threatening stroke a few years ago and it took the system five months to get him an MRI so I can imagine I'll be LUCKY (if I only believed in luck) to get in by the Fall. Today I'm done. I've busted my backside to get and stay healthy... and I can't remember the last time I haven't lived through the day with some kind of pain, and struggled through the night with pain there too. I'd do just about anything to get relief right now. Okay, I go about my life, no one knows unless I tell them, and it really doesn't matter, except it matters to me. It matters because it affects how I love and parent and be. It affects my life, the exhausting battle with pain.

Is it debilitating yet? No. And I am so thankful that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. So thankful I'm not bedridden because of it. But for today, I'm letting out my anger so it doesn't eat me up, because I just want to live. I want to live free of this... and doctor's appointments. I want to be able to enjoy exercise like I used to and not worry about whether or not I've overdone it and won't be able to sleep peacefully. I will keep working and praying toward that end. But today, the months before of coping and the months ahead of coping, well, I'm at a crossroads... I have to dig deep to find freedom from this, and joy in spite of it. I will. I will. I will.
I will.

No Go Weigh In

Weigh in was a no-go this morning since my cycle started. That means at least 2+ pounds for a few days. I did have a good week exercise-wise... four times on the treadmill! Eating was touch and go. I am so very aware of how stress affects my discipline when eating and feel like I make that an excuse when I don't eat everything perfectly, but it is what it is. I cannot sit here and stress about stressing about food. I am working on it. I am aware. I refuse to get frustrated as I am making progress and that is what matters to me.

I will assume that I maintained for the week. And hope this cycle isn't too bad. The iron supplements are definitely affecting my digestive system, at least I'm assuming that is what the problem is. Each morning is hard... and I hope that soon, my body adjusts and that the supplements are doing their job. I sure hope so. I don't feel much better energy wise even though I've been going to bed around 10pm each night, which is an hour earlier than normal. It's about as early as it is going to get. I just keep hoping that my energy eventually catches up eventually.

My foot appointment is Tuesday. I'm anxious, mostly because I don't want him to say "we can find nothing wrong" when my foot hurts, as does my whole left side of my left leg, especially after I've exercised. I'm also anxious because surgery is a potential, and the timing of that stresses me out. I want to be better before summer so it would have to be VERY soon, as in the next month if it's going to heal before we start spending every day, all day outside. But that is completely out of my hands. I have to stop being anxious about it... sigh.

But you know what? This week has been a good one for remembering that I am alive and for the most part, well and able to live the life I want. Yes, I struggle with the strain of all these niggling health issues but I'm not struggling with living. I lost a good friend to cancer this week. She was almost 43. I can live grateful that cancer is not a part of my struggle. And I can live motivated to be as healthy as possible, to do what I can to have the best and longest life possible. It hit me again that it is more than about a number on a scale. It is about lifelong health. For me and for my family.

I'm really doing this.

On the treadmill just now, it hit me. I'm really doing this. I'm really doing this.

Slowly but truly, I'm losing weight.

I'm not perfect.
I don't eat perfect.
I don't have my exercise perfectly set in a routine.

But still, I'm losing weight.

I'm making it happen in the middle of a crazy life.
I'm making it happen even with some health issues that hinder full effort.
I'm making it happen even when I am not able to control everything.

This is my life.

And I'm making it happen.

And it feels good.

Less than 10 pounds to go to my goal.

It feels good.

Back at it.

I've had some funky something or other that has just zapped me since Sunday night. I honestly don't know if it's a virus, or is it is just exhaustion (which affects me in some wierd physical ways besides needing sleep) or if it's my body adjusting to the iron but I've just been physically zapped. Feeling better today and...

I'm determined. Determined to get back at it. So hoping tonight will give me another start at the treadmill and pilates, a few days before my cycle starts and kicks my butt again.

Won't give up.

Back at it.

When Saturday rolls around...

it's weigh in. This week I lost 0.7. Not much but it's something. It's been a tough week, busy. And I'm tired. And Si is dealing with chronic tonsillitis so that makes me even more tired. So there are my excuses for not exercising like I'd like. Not to mention the tiredness... just hoping that iron kicks in (see my last post) to make me feel better and that Spring decides to arrive sooner rather than later. I know that will go a long way to an attitudinal change.

And I'm really at my wit's end with my eating. I know exactly how to do it. I can't plead ignorance. But time and again, I do well, and then something happens. I don't really restrict hard. I am not deprived of any one thing. I could say I just can't help myself sometimes but that is a cop-out. I am the one putting food into my mouth at times I just don't need any. I'm not hungry. Why do I do it? I know alot of it is that I am just mad that I have to watch every bite at all. Someday and in some way, I have to figure out how to make peace with that. It's easy to say. Hard to do.

So 168.2 this week... I'm under 10 pounds to my goal of out of the 160's. Progress in spite of the rest. I have to accept that.

I'm also wishing I could write more and think things through. But life is really moving at a fast pace right now. Every morning except Saturday is filled with something. That means my usual writing and thinking time is cleaning time or resting time. And evenings, well, we're into getting taxes and renovations done so I'm on kid duty more than I am used to, and then helping with the other projects. Life is just TOO full right now. I wish there was time to breathe and take care of me. But I can't feel guilty about that too. I will not give up on trying each and every day to do something healthy for me, but I can't feel guilty if I'm not here on anywhere else when life is so full. I can wish for space to think, but right now, I can't make it a priority except by stealing here and there.

If it's not one thing, it's anemia.

Sigh.



I know in the whole scheme of things, anemia isn't that big of a deal. It's nice to know that there's a medical explanation for my exhaustion. I can stop blaming my kids. I had my annual exam today, and wow, DocH was so thorough in the testing etc, and now there's a load of things to be taken care of. I just have to be thankful that I have a doc here who listens and is willing to do the work of following through.


So anemia. Mostly likely resulting from my problems with my cycle relating to endometriosis. Things just aren't right. I'm on iron now, which I know has a whole other set of issues. I'm just hoping that it returns to normal (it is about six points below the lowest range of normal, not good at all) in the next six weeks, otherwise she wants my to come in twice a week for iron injections in my bum. That'll be a scheduling nightmare, dragging kids in there all the time. Praying things clear up.


I also have a referral to a gynie, which I was pretty sure would happen, although I'm again am thankful that my CA125 (a blood test that is a marker for pelvic cancers, most notably ovarian cancer, but also can show a higher inflammatory state related to the endo) was within normal range. At least that means that I won't necessarily be moving forward with surgery for the endo. And as always, I am immensely grateful that, although this number doesn't give the whole story and I live with a healthy (I hope healthy anyway!) awareness that I'm at more risk for pelvic cancers for several reasons, this test doesn't raise any red flags regarding cancer. I have dear friends in remission, some fighting for all they got, and one friend I dearly love who is terminal. I don't want to go to any of those places. So I live grateful that these are the problems I have, not others. They all suck mind you, but still...


DocH thinks it's important for me to discuss with the gynie my options relating to treatment of my horrible cycles. Option include birth control as in Mir.ena I.U.D., or an endometrial ablation (the lining of the uterus is burned so that periods halt permanently) or the good ole hysterectomy. She is not convinced that the Hys is the way to go and finally, someone who isn't pushing that option on me. Thank goodness for that! Many people have gotten some relative relief and that may end up being the decision I make. But it's not my first choice for treating this and I won't rush into it. So we'll see what that appointment holds, whenever it happens. I'm bracing for a long wait on a list as usual.


Onto other things... mammogram. My breast tissue is cystic and dense and although she doesn't see any problems at this point, she wants a baseline. They recommend 50 years old for this with no family history, but she wants to be cautious here. Again, she was thorough and very reassuring. I didn't realize that 95% of lumps found are benign. She still recommends self-exams as she'd rather see a patient with something benign rather than something advanced. Good plan I say.

And then there's my beautiful skin. One of the things I can say I love about my body is my skin. It's normal skin, not too oily or dry. It isn't overly hairy (yay!). And I tan easily, although I don't spend lots of time on purpose making that happen. I also have lots of brown freckles and moles on my body and shoulders. I don't know why but I like that. But there's the downside in that some of them could possibly turn cancerous. She we're taking a couple spots off. I've had this done before so I know it's no big deal. Just another appointment. At least that is what I keep telling myself.

So much fun here, huh? I can say that I'm overwhelmed. But I'm also happy that there is some confirmation that I'm not really a hypochondriac...I just have a complicated health history. And as always, I'll just deal with it each day and hope that I get to feeling better. What else can I do? I can't throw up my hands and give in to this body... there is too much life to live. I must live and be and enjoy. And work on health. So there it is... all the sordid stuff. Add that to the foot stuff and there's a whole pile of stuff.