Months.

That's how long until I can get an MRI on my foot. Months. Months. Months. I've been living with this pain for months. Years even. And the sympathy I got yesterday from the orthopod was pathetic. And that is the kindest way I can put it.

The ultrasound on my foot was normal. That would be good except I still have pain. And I'm not even sure the doctor believes me since he said "you need to pull yourself together" before he turned and walked out of the room to my "thanks for your sympathy" comment, not regretting that other patients might hear. I swear... I hate this medical system. For all the people who think that everyone having their health care paid for is such a great deal and it is, but really even that idea is a joke because SOMEBODY SOMEWHERE is paying for it. If not through premiums, then through taxes. Wait and see. Universal coverage is not all sunshing and roses. I'm living proof of that. And not having to pay for health care at the time of services (I say it that way because you will see it in your tax bill and responsibility) and actually GETTING TREATED are two different things. You pay for it one way or another. It's one thing for the possibility of access for everyone, but access and AVAILABILITY to not necessarily go together. And when the docs don't have to care about whether or not you go somewhere else, because there's nowhere else to go because you're already months into the process and believe me, when you try to start over with a new doc they go through the whole testing process again because that is HOW THEY GET PAID. But they don't have to care about how they treat you, they can yell at you to suck it up as they walk out the door, not even waiting for the patient to ask about possible intermediate treatments. They can tell you to get an MRI and know they don't have to deal with you for months, although you're still stuck with the pain and figuring out on your own alternative treatments for the pain because you're already maxed out on OTC pain meds. Yeah, and those alternative treatments? There is NOTHING universally covered about them. Nope. The doc can send you away and you've paid for his services long ago in a tax bill far, far away and he can send you away and you have to find a physical or massage therapist on your own, and pay out of pocket. Works for him. Not his problem. Because he's a part of a crappy system that despite all sorts of laud by other countries only works for the people who can actually jump the queue and pay for their MRIs out of pocket. And good on them, because then I can get mine sooner.

Months to get an MRI. My father in law had a life-threatening stroke a few years ago and it took the system five months to get him an MRI so I can imagine I'll be LUCKY (if I only believed in luck) to get in by the Fall. Today I'm done. I've busted my backside to get and stay healthy... and I can't remember the last time I haven't lived through the day with some kind of pain, and struggled through the night with pain there too. I'd do just about anything to get relief right now. Okay, I go about my life, no one knows unless I tell them, and it really doesn't matter, except it matters to me. It matters because it affects how I love and parent and be. It affects my life, the exhausting battle with pain.

Is it debilitating yet? No. And I am so thankful that I can keep putting one foot in front of the other. So thankful I'm not bedridden because of it. But for today, I'm letting out my anger so it doesn't eat me up, because I just want to live. I want to live free of this... and doctor's appointments. I want to be able to enjoy exercise like I used to and not worry about whether or not I've overdone it and won't be able to sleep peacefully. I will keep working and praying toward that end. But today, the months before of coping and the months ahead of coping, well, I'm at a crossroads... I have to dig deep to find freedom from this, and joy in spite of it. I will. I will. I will.
I will.