You would not notice if you saw me, that I was in pain. I go about my day. Take care of my kids, my husband, my family. I participate in play groups, and serve in our church's kids' ministries. I mentor a student pastor and lead a Bible study with two young moms. And I hope...hope...hope I do it without many people knowing what's going on all that much. And more than anything, I would love to know what it would be like not to have pain.
So what's a girl to do? What is the way forward? What is it? My goal is health. Or as healthy as possible.
First and foremost, I am praying for healing, that God in all his miracles will work one on me in this area. And dare I say that I know he will do it. The hard part is that I have to accept how ~ by what means ~ God will choose to do this. And I have to accept His timing. Uck. I'm having a hard time with that. I've heard in the last several weeks several people speak to God's physical healing in their life and I've been angry. I've been angry that even after my desperate prayers these last 10 years, prayers to be healed, that God has chosen not to heal me, at least as far as I can tell. Granted, things could be worse so maybe He is healing me in some way that I don't recognize. But I can't help but wonder what God's plan is through all of this.
So I pray. And if I'm honest I have to acknowledge that what I expect in healing may never come, not the way I see it. But all I can do is hope...right?
And do my best to get healthy. I have to take some drastic steps on my end that I'm not too happy about. Mostly with my diet. This is more than about losing weight. It is about feeling better. How can I cut out some of the foods I love? Mainly bread, and dairy, sweets. I've already cut out fried foods and chocolate (mostly... I haven't yet cut it all back). I'm resistant because I wonder how much I have to give up. In my best moments, I think, whatever it takes. And then I get to feeling sorry and wish... oh, it's all so mixed up. You'd think a 41 year old wouldn't have to be dealing with all of this all the time.
Really, I just want to get on with living. I want to be healthy. I'm focusing on that.
And a crazy kind of amazing thing happened yesterday morning. Thursday night I had quite a meltdown. I was hurting in both body and spirit. I admit I'm scared, scared that I'll have to live with this pain for always and it will weigh on me, for always. I'm scared because I don't know what the future holds. I'm scared because I don't know what is next. But this I know...
God speaks. And I can hear God speaking, if I choose to listen instead of being lost in my own fear. And yesterday morning, out of the blue, in a search for Scripture for something else, this verse fell open...
Psalm 73:26 ~ My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God
remains the strength of my heart. He is mine forever.
This I know for certain, regardless of whether or not God heals my pain, He will be my strength. And I'm trying to focus on that right now. And trust He will heal me when and how He choosing.
That is the only way forward. That is the only thing I need to focus on. That is how I will pray from now on.
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