The "at least".

Before I go on and on about how much I struggle with not only the idea of another surgery, not only the idea of a major surgery, the prep for it and the recovery that will come with it... before I talk about that, I have to get one thing out there.

It's the "at least"s of the whole thing.

I know I will grieve ~ am grieving ~ the loss of a dream that you know, comes along with my reproductive organs. It's only natural that I feel that way, especially when I've dreamed of becoming a Mom through giving birth most of my life. I'm not one of those adoptive moms who can say "it never mattered to me" not to give birth. It mattered to me. And that dream is gone. But the "at least' of this kind of grief is that I know it's not the end of the world. I will not die from this loss. And at least once it is over, I have health to look forward to...

And an even bigger "at least" that just about wraps me round most days is that even in loss ~ any loss ~ I don't go very far without having hope that breaks in, that gets me through, that brings other dreams to overcome the dreams lost. I will never say I don't live in hope. I will live in hope until my last breath. And even then, I'll know that it was hope that got me through to that last breath, the hope that although life on earth is important, valuable because it teaches me how to live in the forever part of life, but it is not the end. This world ~ this body ~ is not my home. Both this world and my body are in my care, and living matters to me as well, but I live in a hope that it's not the end. "At least" I have that.

And I live each and every day thankful that this fight ~ this disease ~ at this point does not have the potential to take my life. It could you know, any surgery has its risks, but I don't have cancer, or MS, or some other life threatening diagnosis. Yes, this disease affects my life and the enjoyment of it, but it does not keep me from living in the long run. So there's that.

And the biggest "at least" is this... I will not go through it on my own, by myself. My family is going to be here with me through this. I know that my kiddos give me so many reasons to get up in the morning when I feel like staying in bed. My Hubby blesses me in so many ways by his support and concern. And my parents have graciously made the decision to come and stay with us for the surgery and much of my recovery time. I am certain there will be friends here close by who will be there to lend support, although at this point, I haven't told many people about what is going on.

This is one of those posts I need to have here when I lose focus. I am one blessed woman, and trusting that God is with us through it all.