I so deserved it.

I gained about a pound according to the scale this week. I deserved it. And that's all I'm going to say.

I Had a Good Day

No tracking but still, I didn't have any unhealthy snacks or portions. I even fixed a big supper for company and did not have seconds, although I did have a bite of dessert. I felt I could because I paid attention all day. I drank all my water. Thirty minutes of hard work on the treadmill. Ten minutes of work on the abs.

I honestly don't know if this no-tracking thing is going to work though. Tracking helps. It helps me pay attention to every bite and that is what I might need to re-train my brain to just eat to live, not live to eat. We'll see. But Hubby challenged me to this, to not obsess about every bite, to enjoy it, not over-indulging but enjoying. I'm think he's onto something, although it may not be that simple.

And thanks to my friends who heard my cry for support this afternoon. Nachos were screaming out to me as an afternoon snack. All I did was ask and I got lots of encouragement... I didn't have it, just a glass of water and the promise of a bite of chocolate chip dumplings at supper. That did it and I made it.

I have an annual appointment at the beginning of March. They got me in early (I was originally scheduled end of April, and that was my final goal date) so now I have to start making decisions. My new family doctor wants me to decide about a referral to a gyne for a consult about potential surgery (the big H, or at least a laparoscopy to remove my right ovary which is shot) or birth control (which is such a twisted irony I can't even speak of it) in order to give me some possible relief from endo pain. I honestly don't want to face either one, but I think I may be to that point in my life. I don' t know. I just hope that the next six or so weeks will prove to be health 'giving' enough that the decisions will be crystal clear. I know that if my blood tests show inflammation I won't have a choice... so wow... this could be a telling year health-wise. I have to face it. I can't hang onto the hope that somehow, someway my body will work right. Ahhh... decisions. It never ends.

Okay, Okay...

that is how today was. I stayed busy which always helps in the eating department although I must admit it's hard to distract myself when I'm stuck in a house with two kiddos who are coughing. I really crave being outside and moving, crave it. And boredom kicks in... anyone else find the 4-6 pm time brutal? Bug wanted to make cookies because she was "bored, Mom". Peanut butter oatmeal cookies it was. I haven't had a single one although I did dip into the dough twice for a lick. So I did okay on that...

But I must get off here and get the dishes done and down to the treadmill before I lose what little energy I have left to exercise.

But let me admit this too... I've been thinking alot, and I mean alot, about when this all started... why is weight such an issue for me? And why has it been that way for so long, even when I wasn't overweight? I mean in high school, I was a cheerleader and had a 23 inch waist. I look at my high school graduation pictures and wow... I looked decent. Notice I have a hard time saying 'good'. Hippier hips or not, I looked nice. But then, I thought I was fat, much fatter than the rest of the girls and I thought that was the reason I never had a boyfriend. Ho hum... am I ever screwed up.

The more I think about it the more I wonder if maybe it has to do with the fact my Mom started talking to me about the chances of me being a bigger girl when I was mid-elementary age. That's early, isn't it? I remember her putting me on her diet at around 10 or 11... plain fish and lettuce salad with no dressing. And I hated it. I am certain her intentions were right (although I at times over my adult life have wondered if she struggles with some eating issues herself... some of the diets she tries... wow...) at the time, but I wonder if having that idea planted the seed that made comments turn to paranoia a bit. I don't know. All I know is that there is a part of me that really wants to like myself at 170 pounds... not to be out of shape and this weight, but happy and healthy and not worrying about losing ALL... THE... TIME. That would be such a relief.

Newest project...

Today was like starting over. I had to. I haven't gained but really I should have based on how undisciplined I've been about everything. But I had a good day today. I'll have to work through the struggles with chocolate etc at a later date, but today, I made a pact with my friend 'kt' that when we both get to 1000 workout minutes, we'll celebrate with a girl's night out. I hope it will help me focus more on the exercise than my struggle with food.

I know that I know that I know that if I'm working out, the food falls into line. It has happened every time. Every single time. And I want to be disciplined about not worrying about the number on the scale (although is that ever a hard habit to break????) but rather about how I'm feeling. And frankly, based on the indulgences ~ whatever you do, DO NOT make chocochip cookies with Her.shey k!sses and SK#R bar pieces, they are irresistable ~ I feel really cruddy, not just because I haven't been in complete control but because I really, truly feel it... my diet makes or break my endo pain levels and when I indulge in the wrong stuff I pay the price, and regret it, but I'm not thinking about that in the moment you know?

It's the 'in the moment' that gets me. Think it through Miss Pear!!! What are you putting in your mouth? What excuses are you making for yourself? Why are you focusing on the pain and not the possibilities?

So this new project, our '1000 minutes' is my new focus... and I know that I know that the food will fall into place. I just know it.

I am owning my failure to be disciplined. I'm not beating myself up about it because it's done. I'm moving forward. There's nothing else to do but do it right now.

I caved, I weighed.

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in today: 171.3

Not too shabby for how this week has gone. It's a testament not to personal discipline but in paying attention and every day, at least trying even when it is hard to do. I am really hoping that I can have a banner week this next week, get back on the treadmill and track more diligently. But for today, I am content to know that I'm not gaining... and I'm a pound closer to a more healthy weight.

Masterpiece Days??? What was I thinking???

Good goal. Poor planning. I'm not sure why I didn't look at my calendar and made this commitment on Sunday night. I was excited about achieving it. I don't feel like I've failed at this goal, but rather, I should have planned better when committing to it. I have come to accept the fact that my body and how much pain I am in dictates how well I can accomplish these kinds of goals.

I have endometriosis. Alot of people don't know what that is, but the bottom line is that it has affected my life in profound ways for a long time. In some ways I'm thankful that I have the ability to cope with the effects of this illness most of the time. I have friends who have days when they are literally in bed because of the pelvic pain that comes with this disease and cycling. I can usually manage but for so long, I've tried to pretend or convince myself ~ or truthfully, forced myself to believe that by sheer will and determination I would not let this disease affect my daily life. The fact is, it does affect me. I have to admit that every month I have days where the pain is manageable but affects my ability to get things done, to have a gentle spirit (pain with the hormonal issues don't help that for sure!) and for sure, I don't have what it takes to do the extra care of exercise.

It seems like an excuse to some but if you haven't live with chronic pain, or pain that comes and interrupts the every dayness of life, you don't understand it. I won't ever let it completely get me down... I will continue to strive towards good health and it is possible, but it has to be done in the context of the truth that I am affected by a disease that is incurable. And I have to continue to find ways to manage it. Thankfully my annual exam has been moved up to the end of March so we can get moving on making some decisions about my future health.

Those decisions include the process of "giving up" the last threads of hope that somehow we will have a miracle pregnancy sometime. I am almost 41. One pregnancy in 10 years. Reality. And if there is something that will improve my healthy long term, I'm going to have to consider these things. I'm going to have to find a way to get the word "hysterectomy" out of my mouth, and it might end up being me going on some form of birth control (which is a true irony) in order to treat the endo, even though I'm as infertile as they get.

And since our supplemental insurance has kicked in, I can get back into my routine of having massages on a regular basis. It has been an amazing therapy for my pain. The key is finding the right masseuse who does therapy not relaxation. And I'm considering accupuncture and returning to a naturopath to work more on my diet. I have many limits in my diet because of this disease and my belief that sugar and fried foods affect my levels of pain negatively, and natural foods affect it positively. It's just hard to eat that way ALL the time. But I have to.

Anyway... this post started out as accountability just to say I'm not reaching my goal for this week. I need to be honest and not hide it or make excuses. But I also need to live in reality and this is my reality, and part of my journey to health.

So my new goal is to eat right, drink my water and get rest this week. I'm considering not weighing in because ultimately that might be frustrating no matter what happens this week. That's it. Have a healthy day!

Goal this week... Masterpiece Days

I'm not making a weight loss goal this week. My goal is to have what my W.W. group back home called "masterpiece day"s. I don't know if other groups did this but we challenged each other, rather than a number on the scale, but a discipline to a certain set of goals short-term. I could challenge those who come here for accountability to this as well if you want.

A masterpiece day is simply a day when you meet ALL the goals set for yourself. And not deviate from it at all. My goal is aggressive, but I want to really see if I can challenge myself.

My masterpiece day is...

1) Treadmill for 30 minutes, Monday to Friday
2) Pilates and/or resistance training for 15 minutes, Monday...Tuesday...Thursday...Friday.
3) Stay on my eating plan, at 23 points. Allow for 10 flex points only.
4) At least 8 cups of water each day.
5) In bed by 11pm each night.
6) 15 minutes of personal reading and/or writing per day.
7) Complete my to-do list for that day.

I want to do this Monday to Friday. Can I??? I want to!! I hope to!!

And of course, I will weigh-in on Saturday morning.

Oh boy, I don't have much confidence in myself because I'm already looking at this and going... wow. I KNOW I can do it. I know it.

Weigh in #3

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weight this morning: 172.4

My goal was maintenance, considering I was supposed to be on a trip this week and wasn't going to weigh in at all. So, a 0.6 loss is fine by me. It's a loss and that is what matters. And I know I only lost thanks to a consistent exercise routine and some heavy work in the house because I sure didn't do overly well eating right this week. It's hard to admit over and over how glaring a problem my emotional eating has become.

Yesterday was awful. I'm a big whiny sappy baby (or at least it feels like it, and no, no one would have known until Hubby got home and kids were in bed and we had a talk about the day as we try to do) because I just couldn't snap out of it and put on my practical sense to know it was a good thing Hubby was working yesterday (for 12 hours, the longest day he has ever worked for the door company, and it was on our 10th anniversary)... to me, it was a big deal that we weren't together for the day. I mean, there was a time in my life when I believed I wasn't going to ever be married so to be married for 10 years is an amazing milestone. I wanted a memory from THAT specific day, not to have be so ordinary. And well, for us, things are different. Hubby will be almost 70 when we celebrate "25" which for most people is pretty much a given milestone, but it isn't necessarily that for us. I want to make memories for us, just for us and make the most of each and every time we have something to celebrate. It was a big deal to me to have something be special about yesterday and this week. And it was ordinary. I'm learning to embrace that too, but I'm not good at being laid back.

I mean, we spend most of our lives as pastors helping others make memories of the milestones in their lives. This was ours... our turn. And it didn't work out (and I know we made the right decision because the kids continue to struggle with the aftermath of the sickies, which just compounds my struggle because I'm worn out.) and I'm have a snit about it. I was in tears for most of the day. I need to talk about that more probably, why it mattered so much, why I let it affect my life, but it has alot to do with exhaustion and neglecting myself, and never getting time to just be.

Wow, what a tangent and all that to say, eating the right foods and being in a healthy mindset not the reason I lost anything at all, and honestly, I had to force myself to get on the scale this morning because I was certain I had gained some. But I didn't. So there. Take that sappy self.

But now, I need to pull myself together and get moving towards my goal. I'm .6 pounds closer than I was last week. I can't wait honestly to see the 160's again... it's been a while.

So that's it... two full weeks of trying this and I suppose just in recognizing that I do the things I do is part of the process. Hoping for peace and finding a way through, and not feeling guilty about any of my choices, but owning them.

Another day.

Since I thought I'd be eating fresh seafood in a Vancouver Island coastal town today, I gave myself a little slack. Not much but a little. It feels good on one level to eat a little something that isn't on the "plan" and then stop with that one little something and know I can do it. Cinnamon bun for breakfast... that was good!

And I'm trusting that I will reach my goal for this week at weigh-in tomorrow morning. Maintenance. That is a goal you know. It's not gaining so in weeks like this, maintenance is good. We're all healthy so far and that is good too.

I did an excellent job in the exerise department yesterday. And I can say that I have the aches to show for it. Not only did I do 30 minutes on the treadmill last night (instead of sitting on the couch watching ER... don't worry I taped it, but wow, was it weird?) I spent most of yesterday unpacking, sorting, lifting, etc all sorts of stuff in the basement trying to get everything in order to actually live in that space. Many bags have gone for reuse by someone else who needs them including three boxes of girl's clothes being posted to friends in the US. The boy clothes, well, I'm waiting to catch my neighbor's daughter to see if she wants them. Otherwise I guess it's to Sal.Army. But I digress... working out is more than scheduled exercise and my body got a work-out yesterday. I'm tired from not sleeping really well but that's a combination of me going to bed too late because I was up talking with Hubby and Bug's nightmares. Maybe tonight sleep is in order.

And one more thing... I have to face this and it's good... I only have 14 more pounds to go to what I hope is my final goal in weight loss. It's a weight that I was able to maintain before, although it's 10 pounds over my lowest weight.

14 pounds.

That's better than 80 pounds.

I can do this and will do it every day from here on out,
sometimes in little bits,
sometimes with gusto...
but always doing it.

Because I have the power to be healthy.

How is that for a little positive self-talk?

It's in my power.

Yesterday was not a good day.

And I'm a big enough girl to admit it too. I have to write about the tough days if I'm going to be accountable for healthy living. Between stress and disappointment I will admit to eating stuff I wouldn't have had I been in the right frame of mind. It's a sure example of how I turn to eating when I'm mad or sad. And I do it without really thinking about it that much. That will have to change.

It's not that I can't have days where life just doesn't feel right or whatever (I'm not explaining myself all that well)... I don't want to add guily to the tough days, but it's about thinking about it and finding healthy ways to cope that don't add to my struggles. Alternatives. I don't really know what they are when you're tired and disappointed and overwhelmed and there seems to be no chance for relief anytime soon. But there has to be something. And it can't cost alot of money.

I don't know what it is. But I guess this is the first step in trying to figure it out. What are the triggers? And why do I turn to food that won't solve the problem anyway?

Needless to say, today is a new day. I ate a good breakfast. I've taken my vitamins. I got dressed first thing and chore list is already started. I will choose good food today and I will exercise and go to sleep at a decent hour tonight. And I will weigh in on Saturday since I'll be here anyway. That will keep me honest.

Best Laid Plans... back on track.

So... if you've been reading elsewhere, our trip has been canceled since Bug is sick. I've whined everywhere else so why not here? No. I won't. What I will say is that even with the plans to have a relaxed few days, eating with moderation while I was away, now I know I need to be ON TRACK here at home. Since last night and the decision not to travel, I've felt sorry for myself and well, that won't get me anywhere. M@Ms are yummy but they're not medication. Yeah, so I've eaten only a few but I know how THAT path can spiral.

So this morning, it's oatmeal for breakfast, with bananas and milk, and a cup of coffee. I've had my vitamin and a couple of glasses of water already. I will exercise tonight. And supper is already on track to be healthy, not indulgent. I am still thinking that moderation should trump restriction when eating anytime, but if this is going to be my life and not a diet, I have to make allowances for when I'm disappointed because things didn't turn out the way I had hoped, and let myself feel instead of trudging agonizingly through. Allowances but not complete disruption. That is the goal.

I didn't exercise last night. I truly felt like I was going to be sick. It was a stressful evening getting Bug to the doc, not getting to sit down and eat supper (not that I would have as she puked all over me and her) and making the decision to cancel our trip. So I sat on the couch, drank my water and cheered on the folks on The B!ggest L.oser. Wow, does Jerry ever remind of my Dad... I was in tears watching him work so hard and then getting sent home. I sure understand the decision...it was the compassionate one, and his after shots were absolutely amazing. I know the change that can happen with 80 pounds lost... a life can change completely. I can't wait to see the final update for both of them.

There's something else I want to talk about but I'll save it for another post. Maybe this afternoon. We'll see...

This is my life. This is not a diet.

I am sticking to retraining my thinking and decreasing the amount of obsession that goes on in my head about every single little bite I take. I know it all matters. But I also know that what matters more is that I begin to think healthy alongside working to be physically healthy. This weekend served as a good time to really discover how weak I become because of negative self-talk.

Saturday morning I weighed and saw four pounds gone. And I borderlined complained about it, wasn't really that excited about it because I've seen these pounds come and go several times. And I had already decided that no matter what (even before the weigh-in) I would enjoy Saturday morning breakfast with my family. It's a tradition since really, Saturday is our Sabbath, to have a big breakfast with eggs and pancakes and bacon, fruit and juice and of course, coffee. This is my life and my family enjoys this one morning where breakfast isn't rushed or Hubby isn't missing.

After I ate, which by the way, was in good moderation, I started telling myself how if I didn't watch it, I would fail at this yet again. Self-talk. It is ONE meal for heaven's sake. And somehow I have to learn that I can eat in moderation and enjoy my life without feeling guilty about it. After this initial week, my goal is to lose at least one pound so really, I have nothing to worry about. But there I was, worrying. And I am enjoying my time of exercise too, and my foot is holding up, and that is my very FIRST goal, to get exercise and gain muscle instead of having so much fat. I have to stop making myself feel guilty as a way of moderating my behavior. It isn't healthy and it doesn't work for the long term. And the fact is, feeling guilty leads to feeling like a failure because I know I'll never be perfect at this, and this feeling of failure spills into so many other areas of my life, creating a fear to try anything. Or to let go of anything.

After I thought about all this last night on the treadmill, as I reviewed how much I enjoyed a more relaxed weekend eating - wise... meaning I ate in moderation but I didn't count every single bite... and how much easier it was but how much I didn't gain because of it, I'm determined to relax and know that this is my life and even small steps make me healthier. And I can have one chocolate or an extra cup of coffee that my Hubby brings me and it doesn't have to send my into a tizzy.

This is my life. This is not a diet. That is the way I want to think.

UPDATE: I am not weighing in again until next Saturday because this Saturday Hubby and I will be enjoying (we hope... praying the kids are well enough for us to go... Bug has a bad cold) some time away to celebrate our tenth anniversary. And I have a plan for that... mainly, I have taken along low-calorie snacks to have in my purse for the times we stop at a coffee shop, and Hubby has committed to go with me to use the work-out room at our hotel at least two times while we're gone. And I know we'll go walking in nothing else around the block, because we always enjoy doing that together. And we got a room with a kitchenette so that means I won't have to do three meals out every day. We'll get skim milk and bran cereal, and some fruit and veggies to have in the room, and we'll eat lighter meals there so we can enjoy some special time out and I know it's in moderation (I've also researched online for some point values of choices at certain restaurants we often frequent. That will help me make healthier choices as well). Also, I have committed to being happy (that sounds so funny!) to maintain my weight, and not lose. And most of all, I am hoping that this is a time of refreshing and rest for me and I can re-commit to some new goals when we get back. Oh and water... I WILL drink my water... I can do that anywhere!

The verdict is in... weigh in #2

Last Saturday morning... 177.2
This morning... 173.1

That's good. A loss is good. I would be more excited about it if I hadn't lost these same four pounds dozens of times in the last several months. My first goal is under 170 which I haven't seen in a long time. But it's good. I won't complain anytime I lose.

And the reality here is that I have to start appreciating myself at this weight. When we moved to Canada 10 years ago, I weighed about 175. I had gained from my low during Seminary of 147, which I reached a few months before I started dating Hubby. After that, I was having so much fun enjoying life with him and well, most of our dates were around meals because you know, you have to eat. And eating was down time from studying and ministry. By our wedding I was up to 163 and over the next eight months I gained another 10 or more. My pastor's wife who was also my colleague in the Dean's office at the Seminary told me when I came in very upset about it... "you're just happy Tammy" (imagine that in the best Georgian drawl!). But traveling up here I felt fat compared to what I had been.

But... I looked at those pictures when I was 230 pounds and I wished I looked like that and I said to myself "if you get that weight again, you will not complain". Well...

here I am. So I can't complain.

173 it is.

Have a great day!

I feel like I'm in that oatmeal commercial.

You know the one, don't you? If you don't, there's all these people who walk around trying to go 1about their daily life with a scale chained to their ankle. The funniest one to me (although it isn't really that funny of a commercial) is the one where she's trying to do aerobics. But that's what I feel like... like weight and what I eat and that I need to exercise is always on my mind.

Can I eat that?

I'm hungry.

No, I better not because I might need to eat a little more later.

Yes, that's about 1/100th of the things that go on in my head every day. I want it to be less that way. I want to enjoy food and exercise without thinking about it every second. That's what I want.

That said, it's been another good day. I ate right, drank my water and did 30 minutes (250 cal) on the treadmill. I'm going to take a shower, have a nonfat chai tea and go to bed. I will have reached all my goals with the exception of not having some time to read yesterday... I wrote alot so maybe that counts too. yes, it does. I met all my goals for this week and I weigh in tomorrow morning when I get up.

First week of the rest of everything down. I'm tired. i feel deprived. But I am in control and hoping that discipline will lead to good habits and freer, healthy living.

Things that baffle me about this...

Here's a few...

Why I think that weighing myself every day does anything but make me depressed and/or elated depending on the number?

I mean really, the number is just a number and the truth is that throughout the day or even week it will fluctuate depending on all sorts of factors. And in the end, when I was at goal or several pounds below, I wasn't completely satisfied because although I felt better, I still SAW myself as overweight.

I want to be more disciplined in only weighing one time a week, at the same time every week.

I want to chance how I see myself from always being overweight (even when I'm not... will it ever be enough lost?) to being healthy REGARDLESS of the number on the scale. How do I feel? How do my clothes fit?

Why I allow eating to affect how much I enjoy a situation?

I decided not to "start" eating right til after Christmas because I wanted to have the freedom WITHOUT GUILT to eat what I wanted when I wanted. But the fact is, I felt guilty anyway when I was eating more than I should or something that I knew might taste good for a moment but affect my health in a negative way.

I want to learn what it feels like to enjoy food guilt-free knowing I'm making good choices MOST of the time, even if those choices include something not named on my eating plan.

I am in a battle right now as Hubby and I plan to head out in a week for a few days away to celebrate our anniversary. One part of me worries that I'll over-indulge and all this work this week will be for nothing (as if it ever is, that is a whole other baffling thing, thinking NOT doing everything right all the time always negates doing stuff right when you do it right! Ack!!) and another worries that I won't enjoy the time celebrating this very special time because I'll either feel guilty for eating something not knowing exactly how many points it is OR I'll be frustrated because I want to make a good choice and there aren't any that are appealing.

I want to learn the joy of celebrating regardless of the food in front of me. Food should be for nutrition and the occasional celebration, not always a part of each and every celebration.

Why do I think that others are looking at me and seeing only my flaws?

I''ll talk about it more at another time, but I remember one time walking with Hubby and Bug in an evening after I had lost over 50 pounds and was in great shape. And a car drove by. It was no one I knew. And the first thought that went through my head was "i wonder if they're looking at me thinking 'she needs to lose weight'"... what is up with that? Or even seeing some of my friends who supported me while I lost all that weight... would they think less of me because I gained some back? Wow... I must think I have shallow friends that they would care. Wow.

I want to KNOW that I am healthy and healthy for me and be the kind of person who doesn't care what others think of me.

I could go on and on but here's three things to start with (not to mention that Si has completely unstuffed one of my pillows while I wrote this...sigh... yet another hardship in trying to take care of me with a rambunctious toddler around.) Lots to think about...

Update from yesterday: Another good day. I wasn't as hungry but I made wiser choices in the afternoon snack-wise so I had some points to have a snack after I worked out in the evening so I felt better. I'm hoping I can get to the point where all I need is a little bit of tea before bed to be satisfying before bed and after work-out. Not there yet. I had an All Br@n B@r which isn't a bad choice. I also am excited that I got on the treadmill even after I had a meeting that took me out of the house after supper. On the way home I was tempted to get a coffee for me and Hubby and just spend the evening on the couch. I didn't. I did the treadmill for 30 minutes (220 calories) and it was a hard work-out for me at this point. And I did about 20 minutes of pilates of my lower body and four sets of crunches.

How this got started...

Here's a post on my main blog, where I've been for nearly four years, talking about what prompted me to start a separate blog to talk about my journey to a healthier, more whole person. I've started talking about it with Hubby and it feels good to share this with him. But I know there's lots of it I'll just have to work through on my own. I need to do this, long to actually, because as I watched The Biggest Loser last night on TV, I saw the possibilities of what life could have been like had I not made the decision in early 2004 to take the weight off, lose 80 pounds and make some effort to understand a little of why I let myself get that unhealthy. I would have qualified for that show five years ago, and I'm grateful now that I wouldn't, at least physically. I do wonder though, with some of what I am learning about myself these days if I need something like that to help me emotionally. I hope this project can be partly me working through the emotions that come from my relationship with my body, my self-image, and my perception of how others view me.

And I hate to say it, but in one couple, the older one, I saw my parents and I sat on the couch crying. My Mom and Dad are the loveliest people, loving to the core of who they are, and they have always struggled with food and weight. And I worry about them, that their lives will be shortened because they aren't taking care of themselves. My Dad especially... in the older gentleman on that show last night I saw my Daddy and I cried. And it hit me that if I don't get a handle of the emotions of this NOW, I WILL be dealing with them still when I'm in my sixties as well.

Another motivation is something I wrote (I was blogging for most of that weight loss journey if you're interested in reading more about that) at You Just Never Know when I discovered my BMI, (body mass index) as arbitrary as that marker seems to be, showed me as no longer being obese. It's about living long and well, and I still want that, actually thought I had 'accomplished' health but now know the truth... living healthy is just that... living daily working at being healthy.

So here we go... yesterday was another good day. I ate right but felt VERY hungry after working out in the evening. I ate an apple and drank some chai tea after my shower... the right choice! I worked out for 30 minutes on the treadmill and did some resistance training while I watched a bit of TV. All day I made good eating choices, but I still at times found myself spitting out bites (while baking or fixing kid's meals) that I put in my mouth without even thinking about it. That will again take some work to think through each bite for awhile til I have good habits back. I also "lost" a couple points by eating food I shouldn't have (like mac-n-cheese that I made for the kids for lunch) which left me at the end of the day with not enough for a more filling snack. That will teach me, huh? All in all though, another good day...

Me, a pear???

Here it is, finally. This is a place I've needed for a long time and I hope as I unfold my story here, I'll gain a greater understanding of who I am as a woman, and a woman who has always had a hard relationship with her body. There's lots of stuff to work through, and the focus here will be mostly my emotions. But it will also be a place for me to document this time of getting back into healthier habits, habits that I've had success with before, and that I've lost in the middle of a whole bunch of other stuff. So this is a start. I don't know where this will go, but I'm hoping I can make this journey more meaningful and worthwhile by working through the emotional stuff while I work towards getting into my smaller jeans again!