Teensy losses, and why I want to lose.

I feel pretty good about this past week. It started off with a head cold so I didn't exercise like I wanted to, but I've done the work these last three days to get some exercise in. I will take it for what it is, progress.

I'm down a pound since last week, which makes me down 0.2 ... slow and steady. I guess this time I'm the turtle not the hare.

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in #4: 171.3
Weigh in #5: 172.2
Weigh in #6: 169.1
Weigh in #7: 169.9
Weigh in #8: 168.9

I was contemplating why I'm having such a hard time gaining momentum. When I lost all my weight in 2005, I was so motivated each and every day to make it happen. Was it because I was paying to go to meetings? Or because I had in-person accountability? Or was it because I had so much to lose that it felt like I was making progress faster? I don't know. But this is a different time with different motivations I guess. And I'm in different shape than I was at this weight last time too. I had been working hard every single day for many months exercising. I was toned and in a size 12 almost size 10 at this weight. I was in GREAT physical shape even at this weight. I'm still wearing size 14 jeans now. And I still have the batootie to show for it. That probably has a lot to do with it. Upping the exercise alongside portion control and watching my calories is probably what needs to happen to really get momentum. Ah, another revelation.

And last night while I was showering after exercising, I was thinking over why I was doing this. I was anticipating NO weight loss this morning and it was discouraging. But I started thinking about why do I care so much about getting in shape and losing this weight? Honestly, that is what I really need to, want to focus on here. I don't want it to be about how other people see me. I want it to be about how I see myself, doing it for myself, not because of some societal misconception that skinny is necessarily healthy.

So why am I really doing this?

There's the practical reasons:

1) I don't have any summer clothes that fit me right now. At least not any cute ones. And I invested in a really nice summer wardrobe in 2005 so I know I have clothes. I just need a body that fits them because I cannot afford to buy lots more (although one of my goal rewards is a new summer dress) nor do I want to invest lots of money in clothes at this size.

2) I know that as I age (I'm turning 41 in six weeks) it will get harder and harder to lose weight. I need to get to a healthy weight for my body type and age NOW and it will be a little easier to get through the tough transition to menopause in the years to come.

3) I am a mid-life Momma to two VERY active children. They are not 'sit on the couch' kind of kids. They go and go, and I have to be able to keep up. I want them to know a very active Momma who plays soccer and goes down slides with them. I don't want them to know a Momma who sits on the sidelines because she's not in good enough physical shape to do the things they like to do.

4) I am anticipating one or even two surgeries in the near future. The first is potentially on my foot. That will mean at least six weeks of no or very low impact exercise following. I have to have my eating under control during that time. Breaking my foot 2 1/2 years ago was the last straw in working to maintain my weight loss. I gave up completely where before the break , even though I didn't really have the time and discipline to keep up my exercise routing after Si was born (and depression didn't help at all), I was still trying and I was still maintaining. I need to be in good shape BEFORE the surgery.

The second surgery could potentially be even more taxing on my body. My family doctor wants me to be ready on Tuesday to talk about what's next with my pelvic health. Ugh... I don't want to face that. As much as I whine about it, I don't want to face it. If my CA125 (a blood test that indicates high levels of inflammation, used mostly to determine pelvic cancers but a good marker for endo too) is high, we'll have to do something... either another laparoscopy where I'll probably ask to have my very shredded and painful right ovary removed, or (gasp! sputter!) the big H... hysterectomy. I don't know what to do... nothing is what I want to do. If I knew that exercise and losing weight would solve this all I would wait it out. But it won't. I don't know what to do, but I do know I want to be as healthy as possible facing that surgery, if in fact it happens.

And then there are the emotional reasons for losing weight and getting healthy:

1) I will not let THIS body defeat my spirit. This is the only place where I talk extensively about how I feel about this body I live in. I know that I am created by a God who knows what He's doing and I know that He creates only the beautiful. I know that. I also know that this endo that has wreaked so much havoc on my life isn't His doing. It's not mine either. I didn't do anything to make this happen to me. But I also won't let a broken body break my spirit. Brokenness leaves scars but healing is always there, always around the corner. And I won't let the struggles I have with my body bring me down and make it an excuse to live less than my full life and purpose. That is the bottom line. This is more about weight loss. This is about doing the most with what I have been given and in spite of the hard stuff, I live one blessed woman.

2) I want to do with my long held struggle with always feeling like the fat girl. So much of my life I have glimpses of feeling fatter than everyone else, of comparing myself in body image only to those around me. Even when I was at my healthiest, I still struggled with seeing myself as a little on the fat side. That has to be overcome. It has to be. Because I am beautiful. And it doesn't matter how I compare to others, that is the bottom line. Now if I can just get to that place in my mind and heart, I'll be closer to healing than ever before.

3) I want to show my kids what it is like to live healthy. And that they can make healthy choices as well. Bug is already watching me. I don't want to eat weird, a strange diet. I want to eat healthy. And show her especially that she is beautiful just the way she is and all it takes is taking care of you. This is one of my main jobs as a mother, to instill in my daughter a true sense of herself. She will face some tough stuff in her future related to her past (how can a 5 year old have a past??) and I want her to be the strongest woman she can be to embrace all of the wonderful future that awaits her.

So that's a start at least. Those are good reasons. And I need to focus on these reasons rather than the scale. The scale is just the most convenient way of marking progress. I want health.

Revelations

I've lost weight. The other options are not what I want so even if it's not coming off as fast as I would like, it's still coming off. I'm not gaining. I'm not still almost 180. That is good.

My weight is only one measure of health. I keep track of it out of convenience.

I hate feeling hungry in the afternoons. I wish there was a button to turn that off.

I like feeling hungry at bedtime. It makes me feel that I've done my job.

I am a pear, therefore, I will always have a bottom half of my body that is out of proportion. It will be this way for always.

I am going to be doing this for the rest of my life.

I can't wait to reach my goals. I enjoy maintaining much more (but who doesn't?).

I can't rush getting to my goals. Life is full. I can't keep making myself feel guilty for not losing any faster.

Good habits are hard to establish especially all alone.

Good habits are needed for good health.

I eat well EXCEPT when I don't. That sounds obvious... smile... but what I mean is that for the most part, I do eat well. I drink lots of water and eat lots of fruits and veggies. I like bran cereal of porridge for breakfast. It's the "moments" of weakness when I eat too much of the wrong thing that I focus on. Why not focus on the times I eat well?

I must somehow learn moderation.

It's hard to eat fresh on a budget.

I like exercising. I really do. I like having those times to focus on me.

Update on foot

I had the ultrasound and xray this AM, and a really nice convo with the ultrasound tech while there. Let me say that even though I wish my foot was completely healthy, it sure was nice going in for an ultrasound that wasn't a pelvic. And I told her so! She took lots of pictures, and manipulated my foot in some pretty painful ways. There are moments when I think "hey, this foot pain isn't so bad" and then there's today when I'm reminded that I don't want to live forever like this if I can help it.

So hopefully, as weird as this sounds, I hope they find something wrong, something that needs fixed. Not that it won't be majorly inconvenient but I would love to have less pain and be able to enjoy exercise without knowing that when I am done, I pay the consequences.

That's the foot update... appointment is March 17 to see what's what.

Next appointment is Tuesday... my annual... another fun time.

Is it Thursday already?

Things are going fine. I finally got back on the treadmill last night for 30 minutes, then pilates and crunches for 20 minutes. It felt really good. Periods and colds don't lend themselves well to coping with life as a whole AND exercising. But I will keep plugging along.

I also feel really good about my eating. It hasn't been perfect and I admit I've failed at tracking each bite, but mostly I've worked on portion control, drinking my water and not eating sweets. Oh, and upping my veggie intake which was already good, but still...

Yesterday I had a near 'I must have a cookie or two and now' moment but I resisted that urge and had peppermint tea with sweetener instead. It only hit me afterwards what a good moment that was and I needed to put it here. I didn't cave, even though I had learned something quite stressful and needed a little comfort. I moved forward with a healthy choice and I admit it felt really, really good looking at it from the other side of the choice. So that's all good!

I'm not perfect. But I'm not a failure. And I am in this for the long haul. I will reach my goal and I hope in good time. If I worked hard I think I could be at my bottom number (160 pounds right now) by Easter but it may be more realistic to do it by Memorial Day when my BabySis comes to visit. Not to mention that it would be closer to summer time and oh, would it ever feel good to put on less clothing and have less body underneath.

More than the weight though, it's about the jiggly. Jiggly be gone. I know as a 'pear' I will always have the bootie and thighs to some extent. I am accepting that. I have to accept that. I have to accept how my profile looks in the mirror. And frankly really, no one else hates it but me so really frankly, why do I hate it so much? So that's a whole other journey.

Anyway... that's a Thursday!

Oh and finally, tomorrow morning is my radiology appointment for my foot ~ an ultrasound and exray. I am thrilled. I'm even dreaming about it! I'll share news when I got any...

New Day

That's what it is... a new day. Starting again, and I'll keep starting again every day if I have to. I can't let a rough weekend, a rough week physically to interfere with doing all I can to be healthy. Good breakfast this morning, and off to a grocery run to get more Core Foods... I think I'm going to try that program from Weight.Watchers for awhile. If nothing else, it will HOPEFULLY decrease the temptation to eat so many sweets (and then think oh, I can just count them and then end up starving and eating way too much in the end)... sugar is a big factor for me and I need to get control, not just for weight loss but for pain control.

And I'm holding onto the fact that finally, this week, I will be getting some tests on my foot which might, just might, lead to a real treatment plan after over two years of gimping around, making the most of it. The pain in my leg (it seems to have crept/creeped up my left leg... weak foot equals weak ankle equals... you get the picture) is starting to affect my sleep and I am so glad that finally, maybe I might be moving forward to some real treatment options.

And next Tuesday is my annual exam. I don't know what to expect except some reassurance that I'm healthier than I feel at the moment. My primary care doc wants me to consider a referral to a Gyn for possible longterm birth control to possibly help with endo pain. I'm not convinced that adding hormones to my body will help. And frankly, I've had no help from anybody in over 10 years of dealing with this. No one gets endo... it's surgery or narcotics... neither treatment solves anything. It may be that menopause will be the only solution but that could still be 10 years away. I might just have to find it somewhere within myself to find my own treatment... diet, exercise, maybe accupuncture and massage, but again, no one has been able to help me specifically or care enough to do research to help figure it out. Oh, except on naturopath, she at least tried but some of her care actually increased the growth of endo... again, she just didn't know, no one does. And then there's the surgery that most likely helped in the short-term. I could do the laparoscopy again but it's only indicated if I have another ovarian mass. So blah... I won't focus on it. I can't focus on it. I can only focus on what I can do which is eat well, exercise, keep my stress levels lower and get sleep.

So there... pulling the hope out of this... I was pretty low this weekend, feeling pretty bad about myself and the fact no one seems to know what to do. That is a truly hopeless feeling. But reality check... no one else is going to take care of me so I have to suck it up and make it happen. And be hopeful and joyful in the process.

I'm excited actually, to be back on track. I want this weight off if nothing else for my own mental health and sense of accomplishment. For me.

Weigh-In, a Truth teller.. of sorts, and getting on with it.

I weighed in yesterday morning... 169.9. I didn't reach my goal which was to NOT gain. I guess you could say that .8 is barely gaining but it is nearly a pound and for me right now, a pound matters. It's a truth teller. I lay in bed Saturday morning contemplating not stepping on the scale, not recording it here, and using all my quite viable excuses to put it in perspective.

I have had to accept something this week... the reality of my ability to exercise and keep the momentum going is going to be hard. I desperately want to. I feel better about myself, have so much energy, love the time to myself to put my headphones on and let Hubby deal with trips to the potty or whines about needing more of this or that, at least for a few minutes. I love it.

So when my period hits hard like it does every week, like it did especially hard this week for whatever random reason, it's depressing. It really is.... because what I want to do and know I am capable of doing is hampered by the reality I have pain that lives in my body, just waiting to drag me down and make me feel bad about myself. That's what it does. I feel like I've failed again somehow because it's been a week since I've exercised and yet... it hit me... I have chronic pain and instead of feeling crabby with myself, and all the negative self-talk that goes with it because I haven't exercised due to the pain my initial days of my cycle bring, shouldn't I be just pushing forward saying "today is a new day... period is gone, not get on with it".

Get on with it. The reality is that unless I make some drastic decisions my situation with pain and my body isn't going to change. I have to be honest with myself and stop feeling sorry for myself and live my reality. At least six days out of each month I won't be able to follow the healthy routine I'm trying to instill in my life, at least exercise wise. The problem becomes that because I don't exercise, I think it gives me the excuse not to track what I'm eating. And I eat all the wrong things which frankly makes the pain worse in the end, and what is that accomplishing.

So I gotta suck it up yet again... no excuses. I may not be able to exercise like I wish I could, but it doesn't mean I can't consider what I eat and make it as healthy as possible. No doctor has been willing to say "this will help your endo pain" but I have discovered some things that have to be cut out, and I just need to stop feeling pity for myself and realize that it's only me who can make me feel better, both physically and emotionally. It's only me. I refuse to get heavier because that just means there is more fat for the estrogen that causes the pain to be stored in.

Yet another truth... I can help the pain by eating right and not sugar binging during my period because it makes me feel better emotionally. Chocolate chip cookies only solve the problem short term, but I still have to work every one of those cookies off my body at some point. They won't magically disappear. When will I get that through my mind?

So I'm facing the truth and getting on with it, and so very glad that today, I can start exercising again and I have three good weeks (minus about a day for ovulation pain when walking is hardly bearable) to exercise ahead of me. And I can commit to track every day, drink my water and get enough rest.

There are no excuses. And that's the truth.

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in #4: 171.3
Weigh in #5: 172.2
Weigh in #6: 169.1
Weigh in #7: 169.9

Vacay, and then some.

So it was a week and a day since I left on my little trip. Haven't been back here since... what does that mean????? Ha! We got home to a sick boy and two crazy days with Hubby's family (we decided to stay over and visit with his family, especially his Dad who is not well, and well, it's always stressful in some way). So I've had lots to do to catch up and keep up and take care of Si and all.

But here I am... we had a marvelous trip. Restful. Not sleep wise really, but emotionally, it was restful. I feel revived.

And so far, I think I can say I kept my commitments for this trip ~ to healthy eating whenever I could, to keep my body moving, but to enjoy it too. We worked out in the hotel exercise rooms two of the three mornings we could. On Thursday, we walked what Hubby thinks was about 9km round trip (about 4.5 miles) along the harbor walkways. It took most of the afternoon. It wasn't an easy hike and the last part of it, as we were both getting weary and had to use the bathroom(!) we walked fast. It was a workout. I paid for it honestly with pain in my foot and now leg, but it felt good to keep moving.

And Friday, we took two different good hikes as we went on a drive and stopped a couple of places to hike down to the ocean. Got my heart pumping and in spite of the sore leg, I was so glad that we had the chance to spend that time quietly in the forest, by the ocean and with each other.

Saturday, our walk was shorter as I was worn out. We walked down quite leisurely to the legislative grounds, along the harbor on the other side, and walked there admiring the beautiful old trees and buildings. But all the exercise and fresh air did us really good, not to mention the holding of hands and not running after kiddos!

Eating was a struggle I must admit. Sometimes eating too late. And breakfasts, well, I just couldn't put a damper on Hubby's good intentions. He went out every morning for good coffee and always brought back something of a treat for breakfast. It was so sweet and I decided to enjoy it. I have to really, really be careful not to dampen every moment with what feels like (probably to him even more than me) a near-obsession with what goes into my mouth. And he got me chocolates for Valentines' Day, not many, but still... oh, and the homemade turtles. He wanted to treat his wife well and he did. He knows me and knows that those sweet treats are my favorites. Some might call it sabotage but I won't... I won't because I'm willing to admit that I have to find a way to make this a lifestyle, even it means that it takes longer to lose the weight. I have to find a way to love it all and embrace the moment and not let it be about food even when sometimes it is.

Otherwise, I did my best to make good choices. When you eat out for the most part, it's a cr@p shoot isn't it? Salads. And Wraps. And if waiters would understand the essential need to have dressing on the side and not get all huffy when I say something, well life as a lifetimer would be much easier. We had a beautiful plate of fresh seafood on Saturday, and oh wow, was it ever good. We chose to split it for cost reasons but in the end, it was a good choice for portion control.

I came home to my cycle starting and these last two days have been pretty brutal. And I don't say that lightly. Brutal is a harsh word but two nights ago I may have gotten about two hours total of broken sleep because of the pain and excessive bleeding. It scared me. But what's a girl to do? That is a whole other post I guess. And yesterday morning and this morning have been really hard too. I just have to try to get on with my day, hope the M*trin works, and hope the M*trin doesn't cause damage to other parts of my body. What else can I do but endure it? It sucks.

And I'll admit it here too... there are days when how my body feels is just a harsh reminder of how my body has failed me. I don't know how else to express it but as I've tried to take better care of me and my body, I can really tell how very much I have really grown to hate my body for what it has done to me. And hating my body doesn't help because hate makes it hard to be kind to it, as in care for it. Punishing is more like what I feel like doing, but what a vicious cycle that is, would be. I hurt more after I eat the things I shouldn't... it just goes round and round. but as I research ways of eating that might help me feel better endo-wise, all I find are diets that feel so much like a punishment too. I wish... it feels so much like piling on.

And all I know to do is keep plugging, keep trying, keep planning on finding health and doing what I know to do to get myself as close to that place as possible, even if it isn't a complete solution. It's something. Because I am worth it. My body is mine and I have to find a way to see myself as beautiful not just broken. I hope the hard work and good health care will get me there.

So that's it... I weigh in Saturday and we'll go from there. I can't really exercise until maybe Friday night because of the pain and my cycle which means that as much as I hate to admit it, I don't eat as well either. Those two things are so intertwined for me... momentum I guess. So we'll see what happens then.

I have to celebrate yesterday.

It was a rough day. Really rough. Not out of the ordinary rough, just unplanned and so not what I wanted to be doing on a Saturday rough. Bug woke up with a normal temp and bright eyes and by 10:30am she had a high fever and was throwing up what little she had eaten, which wasn't much. This was the third time in a row that after the M*trin wore off, her fever spiked, she threw up and well, she'd had a fever since Thursday night so we were a bit nervous. Hubby wanted her seen ~ on a Saturday morning????? ~ although I was ready to ride it out and see.

Well, so not what I wanted to do on our one day together. Bug can't help being sick but I'd much rather just snuggle in with her on a couch then hunt down a doctor for her. I won't bore you with the details but let's just say that the trek to see the doc involved getting lost, waiting for three hours, two pharmacies and a near collision when I almost ran a red light. I was exhausted and stressed and frustrated.

But you know what???

I didn't eat to solve it. I thought about how good a couple R.ee.se's peanut butter cups would be while I waited at the pharmacy, you know, since we hadn't had lunch at it was 3:30pm. Or maybe a bag of chips... after all, I deserved it for all the stress right? But I didn't. We ate a few pretzels I had in my purse and I stuck in a piece of gum and when I got home I had some veggie soup for zero points and went to take a nap.

So yay.... yay. I did have a cookie later that night with my chai, but that is the great thing about my eating program... there is room for flexibility and having a treat now and then without screwing the whole thing up. And I didn't screw up. I ate well even in the middle of stress. And I hope I can do it again when a day like this happens.

And for what it's worth, it could be very soon, like this morning, since we are yet again, home sick from church. Sigh... I can do this. Off to get dressed and snuggle in to watch a movie with my kiddos. And pray for peace in all of this.

But yeah... yay!

Back on Track, and Tracking... and Bye-Bye 170's!!!!

It's been a week, that's all I can say. I made the decision Tuesday morning to get back to tracking since I was seeing my weight creep up. And after just four days of tracking, I'm down... just proving that I'm not ready to do this on my own, not when life is stressful and I'm exhausted. I guess tracking to me, right now, is kind of like an A.A meeting with a sponsor to boot. Writing it down keeps me honest and I'm brutally honest with what I write down. The food diary is my "little voice" on my shoulder saying "are you sure that is your best choice?"

I'm not sure why I felt so much like a failure (someday I will have to work through that feeling once and for all... oh, the somedays keep getting crowded out by the todays and a busy life with kids, sick and well, a hubby who has to work so hard, and home keeping and job searching...) because I HAVE TO track each bite. Why do I beat myself up because I can't seem to control my eating without this tool?

But then, when I think about it, what is wrong with enlisting tools to help get control and keep control? We do it all the time. We use alarms to get our selves up in the morning. Even the exercise machinery in gyms keep people in shape. What is so wrong with using this tool? Nothing. And that's the bottom line. I don't want to become obsessive about it, but when I track I can't fool myself into believing that something is what it isn't. For instance, I tracked breakfast this morning... our typical, planned big Saturday morning breakfast. This is our Saturday AM ritual because it is the only morning that we get to all sit down together as a family. An egg... two pancakes with a bit of syrup each, two pieces of bacon, a cup of fruit. Yummy! But more than half my points for the day. That is reality. Those are calories that I choose to put into my body and I will choose to enjoy them and make sacrifices elsewhere. It means no pizza tonight, or a different snack this afternoon. And the great thing about tracking is that I can have this kind of flexibility, not a rigid "do not eat" diet... I can actually learn to eat and sacrifice to stay within what my body NEEDS, not what I want for my own comfort or just because it tastes good.

Anyway... I am back on track, had a few good workouts, although it's been kind of a wonky week with Hubby travelling (and I usually work out in the evenings when he is here with the kids) and sick kids (yes, again...). But between the treadmill, the tramp, pilates, resistance bands and just old-fashioned reps, I am starting to see some changes in my shape, how my clothes fit and that is my main goal.

As for weight...

Initial weigh in 177.2
Weigh in #2 173.1
Weigh in #3: 172.4
Weigh in #4: 171.3
Weigh in #5: 172.2
Weigh in today: 169.1

It feels good. I'm losing slowly and it is what I can handle. I keep saying over and over "I am doing this for as long as it takes... which for me is for always." Progress, no matter how small, is what matters.

I have reached my first big, planned milestone, to finally get out of the 170's, which hasn't happened in over a year. Yay!!!!! My reward is a pedicure, so now I need to find someplace here (or maybe in Victoria... get it done on my trip! Yeah, that's it!) to pamper myself for awhile.

Now, I'm leaving on this trip on Wednesday (hopefully! Pray we're ALL well, including the families at the farm where kiddos are staying...they've had major illness there too!) and my goal over the next two weeks is to at the very least maintain.

We got a hotel with an exercise room and we're staying downtown by the riverfront where I understand there are lots of amazing places to walk. So I'm planning on making good choices, and exercising but for the most part enjoying this time with my Hubby without the stress of watching each bite, though I plan on not going crazy with my eating just because I am away. If I am making this a lifetime decision it means that there are certain times when the plan is modified to make room for more freedom for a period, knowing I can do good things in order to stay on my plan but still enjoy the time.

So there it is... another update.