Way off track, but maintaining anyway.

It's been awhile. I am assuming this blog is really for my own accountability so in the that few weeks, I haven't blogged. Life has taken some real turns and I've had to let go of my commitment to taking care of me like I want to. It's not for good, but for this time. It sucks as I would like to believe that I am THAT super woman who can do it all... exercise, eat right, get enough sleep, take care of her Hubby who works part of seven days a week, care for my kiddos who need me, and you know, go to what feels like a gazillion doctor appointments, get groceries and do all the other errands needed, keep my house with some sense of order, oh and why don't we throw in painting the entire interior of our house so that we can possibly get the house listed in the next week in hopes of buying a home that is a better fit for our family.

Deep breath...

Yeah, it is alot. I'm overwhelmed. I'm exhausted. I'm learning to live with it all and trust this season is temporary, that summer will be filled with relaxing afternoons walking, and light lunches that help me get the jiggly off my ever growing derriere and well... take care of me in addition to everything else.

But frankly, there came a point a week or so ago where I had to stop feeling guilty that I was merely maintaining and not keeping up with my goals to lose each week. I am NOT super woman and I cannot do it all. I want to but it isn't possible.

And my health, well, it continues to get complicated.

I had a suspicious mole removed from my back last week. Pathology came back as pre-cancerous. DocH said that it was a six and a 10 is a stage one melanoma. Who needs this anyway? Yet another complication to my health. It means that in a week or so I have to see a general surgeon for another procedure to remove more tissue since the margin was not satisfactory.

I'm not scared of it all or anything. It is a little freaky that there's now a cancer possibility somewhere I didn't expect... on my skin. But more than anything, I'd say aggravated would be more like how I feel as it means three month skin checks indefinitely. Add that to regular checks of my iron levels... I feel overwhelmed. When all I want to do is be a Momma and a wife and enjoy these days, I'm distracted. I hate that more than I can say. I continue to trust My GOD WHO HEALS to take care of all these things. There is nothing else to do.

In other health news (as you can tell, I am quite distracted from what should be the positives of healthy living as I deal with all these health issues that negatively impact life right now)...

1) I do have an MRI appointment for my foot on July 22 with followup August 13. I hope that it yields some treatable results as the pain in my whole left leg continues to increase and inhibit the "feel good" effects of exercise.

2) I saw a massage therapist and she pronounced me "a mess". Not sure how I feel about that... she started in my foot and worked up mostly my leg and lower back... I was in lots of pain. It was definitely therapy. In some ways it felt good to have my pain once again affirmed by a medical professional. And there's something about her touch that practically names my pain, not just a doctor asking about symptoms but not really doing anything about it. I cried when I got home, after I got kids to bed because I realized that this is all potentially serious. She was quite shocked by how many times I said "yeah that hurts, but I have just learned to live with it and through it". She said that isn't right, that I shouldn't have to live with pain. But I do and I just pray each day that God will give me enough strength to get done what I need to, and that my attitude with my kids won't be affected by how I feel physically. God comes through most day and that is a blessing in and of itself.

3) I follow-up on my iron levels next week. Hoping it improves or there will be added appointments to get iron shots each week.

4) And the appointment I am both looking forward to, but also dreading is at the end of this month. The gynecologist. We'll discuss a treatment plan for my endometriosis. And the plan will involve permanently resolving any hope of pregnancy. It's laparoscopy and birth control or ablataion, or possibly hysterectomy with the removal of one of my ovaries. Even writing it brings tears. I have to face this but I admit that my heart just aches. I know that I will no longer feel like I'm dying under the weight of this loss, this infertility, but I admit it still hurts. And today as I tried to shop for a new dress, it seemed that I was the only one barren living in the land of the fertile. Pregnant bellies EVERYWHERE. And my cycle started a couple days ago... and it's been a hard one, the last and we timed everything right to create a scenario for the possible and it didn't happen and now it's over. It's over. It's over. And I have to accept that it's over. I will not be pregnant. Ever. Ever. Ever. And I know that I'm blessed beyond words and I absolutely fully and wholeheartedly LOVE MY LIFE but this one thing that has haunted my spirit.... oh, I'm rambling but my heart is so heavy. I want to release this sadness that comes from the barren, that pricks my spirit when my joy of hearing of another's positive pregnancy test still gets overwhelmed by sadness for me. Selfish as it sounds, I must admit it, live with it, deal with it, make peace with it. And move on. This appointment is the moving on, choosing to live in reality of getting healthier rather than holding on to a determined hope that anything is possible. It is, but in my case, the GOD OF ALL POSSIBILITIES has said "no" to this and I must comply with it, and turn my determined hope to something that will happen. And pray that God will take it all, the pain and heartache and TRUST that it will ALL BE REPLACED with an overwhelming joy, a peace that I don't understand. I believe that is possible, even when having a baby is not.

There. How's that for an update. Back to the blessed grind of Saturday night. Tomorrow HE LIVES and we celebrate!