The "at least".

Before I go on and on about how much I struggle with not only the idea of another surgery, not only the idea of a major surgery, the prep for it and the recovery that will come with it... before I talk about that, I have to get one thing out there.

It's the "at least"s of the whole thing.

I know I will grieve ~ am grieving ~ the loss of a dream that you know, comes along with my reproductive organs. It's only natural that I feel that way, especially when I've dreamed of becoming a Mom through giving birth most of my life. I'm not one of those adoptive moms who can say "it never mattered to me" not to give birth. It mattered to me. And that dream is gone. But the "at least' of this kind of grief is that I know it's not the end of the world. I will not die from this loss. And at least once it is over, I have health to look forward to...

And an even bigger "at least" that just about wraps me round most days is that even in loss ~ any loss ~ I don't go very far without having hope that breaks in, that gets me through, that brings other dreams to overcome the dreams lost. I will never say I don't live in hope. I will live in hope until my last breath. And even then, I'll know that it was hope that got me through to that last breath, the hope that although life on earth is important, valuable because it teaches me how to live in the forever part of life, but it is not the end. This world ~ this body ~ is not my home. Both this world and my body are in my care, and living matters to me as well, but I live in a hope that it's not the end. "At least" I have that.

And I live each and every day thankful that this fight ~ this disease ~ at this point does not have the potential to take my life. It could you know, any surgery has its risks, but I don't have cancer, or MS, or some other life threatening diagnosis. Yes, this disease affects my life and the enjoyment of it, but it does not keep me from living in the long run. So there's that.

And the biggest "at least" is this... I will not go through it on my own, by myself. My family is going to be here with me through this. I know that my kiddos give me so many reasons to get up in the morning when I feel like staying in bed. My Hubby blesses me in so many ways by his support and concern. And my parents have graciously made the decision to come and stay with us for the surgery and much of my recovery time. I am certain there will be friends here close by who will be there to lend support, although at this point, I haven't told many people about what is going on.

This is one of those posts I need to have here when I lose focus. I am one blessed woman, and trusting that God is with us through it all.

In Which this diary becomes something else.

I still believe that this journal can be one that records the possibilities that come along on a journey to health, but for a time, I don't know if it will seem soo. It might seem more like an end, and it is, but I hope in the end, health will be there.

On Thursday Hubby and I went to see the gyn surgeon. My ultrasound findings indicated that there really isn't a choice other than hysterectomy with the possibility that my ovaries will be removed as well. There are no fibroids all along my uterine wall, which is most likely the cause of severe anemia and made it nearly impossible for us to choose anything other than surgery. We could have made a different choice, but the doctor was gently adamant that if we chose to let this go, it will only progress. My original disease ~ endometriosis ~ is not the only problem now that needs solved, and well, when it comes down to it, there's really not any more reasons to endure the pain and struggle of my cycles. There's really no hope for a pregnancy, and I know that, so why wait?

So a week from tomorrow I start my first shot of Lupr*n, with two more rounds to follow, in an attempt to reduce the inflammation in the pelvis, and in the process, reduce the much higher chance of complications that come with the condition of my belly. And then, after the first of the year, I'll have the surgery.

It's going to be a long haul. I'm grieving. But I hope in the end, it's all going to be good. I'm counting on healing.

A bit *lilbit* of an update...

I have to update a bit on my health... I had an MRI mid-July that wasn't difinitive so the doc decided to try a cortisone shot. It didn't work. We're back to square one. There is evidence of a stress fracture at the site of my old break from three years ago. But I can't get back into see the doc for another month so again, I'm waiting. And managing my activity so I can manage the pain. I can still walk, and do what I need to do. Things could be worse. I just hope there's a solution somewhere down the road. Praying that it is so.

As for the possibility of hysterectomy, I finally, after almost five months of waiting, had my ultrasound yesterday. I see the gyn surgeon on Thursday. I admit I'm grieving, although no one would be able to tell, except Hubby and well, maybe the ultrasound tech. She was quite sympathetic and I appreciate it when a health care person stops a minute and says "I'm sorry". This is not how I thought our journey trying for a pregnancy and hoping to experience childbirth would end. I have always hoped and believed in a miracle, that God would make it happen for me like he did for Sarah and Rachel and Elizabeth...and so many others since. But once again, I am on a journey of trusting a God who loves me, who desires my good, even when things don't turn out how I thought they would. But barring anything else, I am heading towards a hysterectomy possibly as early as early January. The wheels of health care turn at their own pace so I'm not holding my breath as to the timing. But I am trusting that God has a plan to heal my body. And trusting His Heart for my family. I know I am blessed in spite of barrenness. I do not live without hope because God has given me so much. He has proven Himself to be true even in the hard times, even when I didn't want to see Him. He is God. And I am trusting Him and basking in the knowledge that He is walking with me through this. He has not abandoned me because I didn't get this dream come true, this experience. He is loving me through it, and I trust grieving my loss right alongside me.So yeah... life is full and good and one day at at time. hope to be back again soon.

And my weight... honestly? I'm holding steady and with everything going on, that is a good thing. I'm concerned that I get complete control on my eating these days as the meds that I might take for the months prior to the hysterectomy may cause weight gain. And since my exercise options are limited due to the foot/hip/back pain, I am working to set the tone now, so that I don't gain in the next three months. I am accepting very slowly that managing my weight is a daily battle. I don't think I'll ever not think about it. I am also accepting that at 170 or so, I'm not FAT. I need to get in shape. But I am not FAT.

So that's it.